No, Ken, I’m quite satisfied to wait and let my rage grow with each passing day like a McDonald’s dumpster during a sanitation worker strike. Would a troglodyte come up with such an apt simile? I think not, Mr. One Day Jeopardy! Earning Record. You will return soon enough, finally lose to a librarian from Winnetka, and face your ass-kicking comeuppance from me or a suitable ass-kicking representative chosen by me. And if it’s a proxy ass-kicker that completes this mission, another non-ass-kicking representative will be there to digitally record the event for immediate uploading to KenJenningsAssKicking.com, which I’ve preemptively registered in case my foot is not the one repeatedly connecting with your ass.
In the meantime, Ken, I feel like I should share my thoughts on the closing ceremonies of the Democratic National Convention with you. You’re rich now, probably making you a Republican, but bear with me. Keep in mind that indulging my musings will not in any way mitigate the severity of your ass-kicking, but it may serve to momentarily get your mind off the humiliation you’ll eventually endure.
*It seems that John Kerry’s election has been mandated by God, since God narrated a video about Kerry’s life. OK, Morgan Freeman was the narrator, but he played God in Bruce Almighty. There may be a slight disconnect in this argument, but I missed the chapter on syllogisms in a recent Continuing Education class.
*Alexandra Kerry is incredibly hot. I’d normally be inclined to detail an imaginary romantic encounter between the two of us in this space, but I fear running into her at a Hollywood cocktail party and being embarrassed as she reads back my clumsy attempt at erotica in front of my peers. Secretly she’d be very flattered and demand a sweaty tryst in a dark alley, but her public charade would shame me. I can’t have that, Ken. I have a reputation in this town.
Actually, those are my only thoughts on the DNC. I fell asleep during a speech by a one-armed man in a wheelchair and dreamt of the peace I’ll experience once your ass is thoroughly and freshly kicked.
Peace, Ken. That’s all any of us really want. And to watch the way you hop as my foot connects with the seat of your pants.
Enjoy your hiatus.