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Sunday, July 11, 2004

I Am Trying To Kick Your Ass

I Am So Fucking Smart That I Won Fifty Bajillion DollarsOK, Mr. Smartest Fucking Game Show Man In The World, you've won 29 straight Jeopardy! matches and have amassed US$920,960 in prize money. Good for you. But how smart and rich are you going to feel when the tread of my size 12 Perry Topsider leaves a scarlet "N" stamped on your intelligently furrowed brow? ["N" for nerd, if that little bit of humor went over your head. Of course, it probably didn't, and found the allusion trite and obvious. In addition, you're probably smugly thinking to yourself that the sole of Bunsen's Topsider is probably white, and wouldn't leave a scarlet impression, unless I was talking about the color of the skin irritation resulting from the pressure of my foot against your face.] You've got it all figured out, don't you, Ken Jennings of Salt Lake City, which I knew to be the capital of Utah, but Googled only for fact-checking purposes. You would've really gotten off if I'd written "Provo," wouldn't you?

Why, you may ask, am I so full of rage? Your sins are legion: You are an autodidact; my academic peak occurred at age 4, when a family member forced me to memorize the spelling of "ambidextrous," and satisfied with my accomplishment and lusting after new worlds to conquer, abandoned learning for the advanced levels of Super Mario Bros. You are happily married; I am trying to guess your credit card number so that Svetlana K. of and I can start our life together. You are Mormon and do not consume alcohol; I am drunk right now.

There is a proud American tradition of the poor and dumb coming to kick the ass of the intelligent and monied, and traditions that result in your ass being kicked are important to me. Let the ass-kicking circle be unbroken. Tonight, as I lay my angry head to rest and wait for my muddled, simple thoughts to drain away into the peace of sleep, I will pray to my Maker that you are not the kind of nerd that likes to lift weights or study the martial arts, for there is nothing more embarrassing than a nerd ass-kicking that backfires.

Watch your back, Arvid. That's the name of a fictional nerd from the world of television.

But you probably knew that.

God, I hate you.

[The editors of do not advocate the kicking of Mr. Jennings' ass by anyone else. Please let us have this one thing.]

About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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