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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Total Fucking Victory: The Debate Assistance Edition

 
Maybe It's Just me, but does it seem like this John Kerry guy is getting a free ride from the American public? Granted, he hasn't started any disastrous wars on shaky, anecdotal grounds, handed out sweetheart contracts to his buddies' corporations, or tried to rape the environment like it was a hog-tied peasant stuck in the middle of a Viking raid. But he hasn't exactly had the opportunity, now has he?

Well, Kerry's free ride ends right here. I'm going to lend our President a hand. He's not exactly known for thinking on his feet, especially in front of television cameras or with people seated facing him. So I offer this list of rejoinders for the President's personal use in an eventual debate, should election regulations eventually back him into one.


For questions on military service:
"Why the long face, Senator? Maybe because you killed all of those Vietnamese people in the service of your country? You see, my opponent has kind of a long face, and maybe he's sad he wasn't good enough for the National Guard, where we only shot Mexicans, not Vietnamese."

For suggestions that Bush is not the most eloquent possible candidate:
"Now, I'm a simple man, a man's man. I don't have a lot of fancy words, like my boarding school colleague over there. But I have one: skullfuck. And come November, I'm gonna skullfuck that there Senator until his wig goes red."

For questions on the environment:
"Sure, if it were up to Senator Kerry, we'd have lots of trees, and clean rivers, and tracts of land in Alaska just sittin' there and going to waste. And you know what we wouldn't have? Paper, and hydroelectric power, and those tasty steaks that they make out of those little Eskimo kids. That's not an America I want to live in."

For questions on the economy, while simultaneously trying to court the college vote and the women's vote:
"Tax and spend, tax and spend. That's all Democrats like the Senator here ever want to do. You know what I want to do? Cut taxes and party, maybe take in a baseball game. And maybe eat some pussy."

For questions about Iraq:
"Well, that's a tough one. As many of you suspected, Dick Cheney has been making many of the decisions for this administration. And he royally fucked up the Iraq thing. So as a show of good faith to the American people, I'm kicking him off the ticket. Sorry, Dick, but it's all your fault. And I'm announcing Mel Gibson--who's a good Christian man, just look at his great Jesus movie--as my new running mate. Where's the star power on your ticket, John? You about ready for that skullfucking?"

You can thank me on that first Wednesday in November, Two Term George.







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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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