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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

How You Might Explain The Olsen Twins To A Martian

 
OK, There Are these two girls. And they're twins, and they look identical, but I think I once heard that technically they're not identical. Who understands how twins work, you know what I'm saying? When they were babies, they were on a sitcom called Full House, which starred Bob Saget and John Stamos. But they were playing one baby, not two, because of child labor laws. Oh, what's a sitcom? It's short for situation comedy, and they're broadcast on this thing called television that brings entertainment into our homes here on Earth. Well, what's supposed to pass for entertainment, am I right? (Sigh.) You see, most television shows, sitcoms in particular, aren't very entertaining. I'd tell you about Friends, but you'd blow one of you heads off with the crazy raygun of yours by the time I got to the part about how they supposedly afforded this huge apartment with their shitty jobs.

So anyway, when Full House ended, these girls were fairly famous for both portraying this one child on the show. What's a girl? Oh come on, now you're just fucking with me, Glort. Fine. Humans are divided into two sexes, differentiated by genitalia that serves specific functions in the reproductive process. Girls are the developmental stage of women, which are the childbearing sex. Good enough? It's more complicated than that, but you get the idea. Imagine how hard your life would be if every time you wanted to have an orgasm you had to negotiate with another partner instead of just sticking that giant penis thing on your hand into that vagina-looking part on your head. Oh, maybe you do understand my sex life after all.

ANYWAY, the Olsens started making these home videos that for reasons I don't quite understand, every girl between the ages of 5 and 12 had to own. And the sales of these videos made them extremely rich. Jump ahead a few years, and now the twins are teenagers, which is the stage where they finish developing into adulthood. We have all sorts of laws that punish adults for having sexual contact with people that are not yet adults, but this hasn't stopped people from putting up various timers and clocks on the Internet that measure precisely when the Olsen Twins get old enough to have sexual contact with an adult without that adult going to jail. You see, twins are in a condition of scarcity on this planet, which makes them more valuable, especially sexually, because people think that if they had sex with one of them they'd get to have sex with both of them, even though that would be tantamount to incest, which is a cultural taboo. People find all of this fairly hott.

Whew. On the eve of their reaching the age of consent, the twins just released a movie (don't even fucking ask, Glort, I'm not explaining movies to you) which was a critical and commercial failure. It was their attempt at breaking out of the perceived ghetto of their home video empire. And now everyone is reveling in their failure, especially the legion of adult males with various countdown apparatuses, because Americans, as a culture, enjoy the failures of those who are more financially secure and of those deemed too good to be possessed sexually by them. Does that make sense?

Now the twins look like they're becoming a little kooky, supposedly out partying all the time and not ingesting enough sustenance to make them look healthy, i.e., suitable to be engaged sexually when they reach the age of consent next month. So people are mocking that, too.

No, Glort, I wouldn't "bang them." Where did you learn that? Have you not listened to a word I've said? And I'd appreciate it if you waited until I left before you started putting the penis part on your hand into the vagina part on your head while you look at that picture of the twins on the cover of People. My God, man, are there no finishing schools on the Red Planet?

We're through here. Good luck figuring out the Hilton sisters on your own, barbarian.



[Don't forget to enter the Great Bunsen Second Anniversary Contest before it's too late!]



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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