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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Friends: The Final Scene

 
In Media Res...

INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S APT. -- NIGHT
Joey and Monica are making out furiously on the couch.

MONICA
Joey, I've wanted this for so long.

JOEY
I know!

Monica unbuttons her blouse. Joey is still kissing her and fumbling with his own shirt.

MONICA
Did you ever think that this is how we'd wind up?

JOEY
All of the talking, it's kind of killing the mood.

MONICA
I'm sorry, I tend to talk a lot when I'm all, you know, excited.

JOEY
It's OK. So does my sister. [beat] What?! I walked in on her once! Just take off the blouse already!

Monica slips out of her blouse.

MONICA
It's funny, I always kinda thought that Chandler wanted to be a woman. But I didn't think he'd set up an appointment for surgery.

JOEY
Enough with the Chandler! The cannoli is going a little soft, you know what I mean?

MONICA
OK. Fine. But I can't do this with him in the room.

She reaches for her blouse.

JOEY
Jesus. Fine!

Joey gets up and walks behind the couch. He reaches over to grab something. First we see ankles, then legs in khakis. The body is pulled into view. It's CHANDLER with a knife sticking out of his crotch.

MONICA
Be gentle!

JOEY
Come on, he's been dead for hours, and you didn't seem to mind all the making out then.

MONICA
Joey, we were married. Just get rid of him, would you?

JOEY
(staring at the knife in the Chandler's crotch)
Did you really need to stab him there?

MONICA
What, he wasn't going to need it. And if this woman wasn't enough to keep him a man...

JOEY
Don't worry, even the thought of a labia makes me sick. [beat] Not yours. Mine. I don't have one. Them? Oh, you know what I mean.

Joey drags Chandler's body to the big window by the fire escape. He picks him up and heaves the corpse onto the fire escape.

REVERSE ANGLE: We see Chandler's body land on top of ROSS' BODY, also with a knife sticking out of the crotch.


MONICA
Be careful! Ross is my brother! (wistfully) Was my brother.

JOEY
He'll always be your bro, Mon...

MONICA
Yeah, you're right. Let's, you know, get back to...it.

JOEY
Don't have to tell me twice!

Joey wrestles with his pants before finally getting free of them. He's wearing boxer shorts with Monica's face on them.

JOEY
(re: boxers) How you doin'? You like?

MONICA
I like!

He pins her down on the couch. They resume heavy petting.

MONICA
What about Phoebe and Rachel?

JOEY
They're already in Bunnies Air-ees.

MONICA
Buenos Aires. Yeah, you're probably right.

As Joey reaches up Monica's skirt, we:

FADE OUT.



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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