Monday, April 05, 2004
We Could Have Devoted an Hour to Attacking the Dodgers, But the Dodger Fans Would Have Left By the Seventh Insult
We Could Write the easy joke about Hellboy's victory at the box office this weekend, but we've never gone for the easy joke unless it's the first, second, or third thing that we've thought of. We're reasonably certain that at least 25 percent of you are partially fluent in English, so we'll direct you to the box office results here.
But baseball's back, and a secret ballot distributed among this site's content providers turned out thusly:
Write about weekend box office: 0
Bait Red Sox fans: 216
With Boston's 7-2 Opening Night loss to the Baltimore Orioles, the Red Sox are on pace for an unprecedented 162-loss season. To solve the mystery of how a team that won the American League Wild Card last season (and stretched the Yankees to seven games in the AL Championship series) could lose 95 wins from their 2003 incarnation, we'll take a brief look at their projected lineup and pitching rotation.
[Note to readers: Our mail filters have been adjusted to immediately trash all incoming messages containing the terms "Boston" "Red Sox" and "motherfucking Yankees," so don't bother. Furthermore, we invite you to tell us how wrong we were if the Red Sox should somehow finish ahead of the Yankees. Fair is fair.]
1. Johnny Damon, CF
Yes, Damon's long hair and beard make the Jesus comparisons both easy and predictable. But when he changes his pre-game ritual to include five miles on a stationary bike wearing only a crown of thorns and a blood-soaked loincloth, he's pretty much inviting Messiah talk. Johnny, Jesus got on base more than 34% of the time from the leadoff spot.
2. Bill Mueller, 3B
Mueller's wife eventually adjusted to his habit of wearing high stirrup socks and a batting helmet in the commission of his husbandly duties, but never really made peace with his use of pine tar.
3. Nomar Garciaparra, SS
It's a well-known bit of trivia that the shortstop's name is just "Playing second for the Yankees in 2005" spelled backwards in Spanish.
4. Manny Ramirez, LF
Known as perhaps the best pure hitter in the game when he's motivated, but teammates are said to secretly resent his "motivational" use of Ecstasy and an iPod playing Massive Attack while he's patrolling the field in front of the Green Monster.
5. David Ortiz, DH
Fans lovingly refer to the Sox DH as "Cookie Monster," but Ortiz cries himself to sleep caked in Chips Ahoy crumbs each night.
6. Kevin Millar, 1B
Teammates will never let him forget that his 2003 "Cowboy Up" battle cry has been appropriated for a series of all-male, "chaps and six-shooters" adult films.
7. Trot Nixon, RF
Teammates will never let him forget that "Trot Nixon" has been appropriated by certain Internet slang dictionaries to describe an arcane sexual practice involving a trumpet, a bucket of shaving cream, and a Viking helmet.
8. Jason Varitek, C
Athletes are notoriously slow to adopt the tolerant attitudes of society at large, and the switch-hitting catcher still feels a chill in the clubhouse.
9. Mark Bellhorn/Pokey Reese, 2B
2004's two-headed second base combo calls to mind the Red Sox's bold experiment of 2000, when they epoxied a chicken to the leg of Jose Offerman.
1. Pedro Martinez
Still amped up after his playoff confrontation with Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer, the righty blew off steam in his spring training downtime by wilding in South Florida retirement communities.
2. Curt Schilling
The flamethrowing righty endeared himself to fans by making himself available on a Web message board for Red Sox fans, but has quickly worn out his welcome by spamming the site with comments about how "EVERQUEST EFFING RULEZ AND ULTIMA IS FOR BEDWETTING PU$$IES LOL!."
3. Derek Lowe
The sinkerballer has enjoyed great success pitching in Fenway Park, but has taken to wearing adult undergarments in away games to mitigate his embarrassing "road splits."
4. Tim Wakefield
After surrendering a season-ending home run in Game 7 of the ALCS, Wakefield was abducted from the clubhouse to nearby Sox pub The Cask & Flagon, where the name "Aaron F*cking Boone" was branded across his buttocks. Mercifully, the angry mob allowed a certain, convenient part of Wakefield's anatomy to represent the *.
5. Byung-Hyun Kim
Teammates (both in Arizona and in Boston) have been slow to accept the customs the Korean hurler has brought to the majors, chiefly the one where he's compelled by tradition to collapse each time he sees a Yankee uniform.
See also: A Primer on the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry.