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Thursday, April 22, 2004

I'm Not Picky; Waking Up as Salma Hayek Would Also Be Pretty Great

13 Going On 30 premeires this Friday. You're smart, you understand the concept: Big with a vagina.

An Itinerary for My Day If I Woke Up and Found Myself Suddenly Transformed into a 30-year-old Jennifer Garner

10:00 am (For whatever reason, I imagine I'd be sleeping in.)
While snoozing alarm clock, notice manicure. Freak out. Stand in front of full-length mirror, clutching mouth, like those chicks on The Swan when they finally see how the surgery turned out. Disrobe, clutching breasts, like a man who has suddenly found out that he's been mysteriously transformed into a very, very attractive woman.

12:00 pm
Finally break mirror's spell, after breasts get sore from two hours of fondling. Eat small salad for lunch, pretend to feel full. Don't want to mess up this fantastic bod. Homegirl's in shape.

12:30 pm
Realize that I'm still naked. Put on one of my white oxford shirts, unbuttoned, and prance around the house. Pick up a broom and do light chores. Quickly realize this was a lot more enjoyable when I was paying the topless maid service and not performing chores myself.

2:00 pm
Fashion show! Scare up various items of clothing left by ex-girlfriends. Decide it's much more fun to have a pretend fashion show in the nude, merely visualizing what trashy lingerie might look like if I were wearing it.

4:00 pm
Overcome by curiousity, finally decide to once and for all find out where the clitoris is.

5:00 pm
Finish autodidactic anatomy lesson. Wonder if somewhere Jennifer Garner woke up as me, and consider going to find out so that I can have sex with myself. Her. Whatever.

6:00 pm
Dinner. Another small salad.

7:00 pm
Consider breast augmentation surgery. Sure, mine are pretty perky and great. But I have a career to think about, and I'm sick of Jennifer Connelly getting all the juicy parts.

9:00 pm
Ponder the bigger questions I've been ignoring. Am I ever going to turn back into a man? More importantly, am I going to turn back into a man before I get my period? I don't want to deal with that.

10:00 pm
Am I retarded? I've been a woman for 12 hours now and I still haven't had a lesbian experience. There are probably a hundred bars in Hollywood I could walk into and find a struggling actress who'd be willing to stretch her boundaries for a television and movie star. No, she can't bring her boyfriend along. I'm not gay.

12:30 am
Get so tied up in naked fashion shows and personal anatomy lessons that I forget to go out and have that hot, lesbian action. Realize that I've had a totally typical day. Fall asleep watching Conan.

About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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