Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Dept. Of Militant Feminine Hygiene
Still Hobbled By a profound depression brought on by the end of The Apprentice, I've been doing nothing but eating chocolate-covered strawberries while joylessly being straddled by strippers. Sure, it might sound great if you're tilling the soil on a dirt farm in Omaha, or perhaps if you're a chocoholic. But the anhedonia of my post-Trump existence is really no laughing matter.
I saw my first episode of The Restaurant last night, hoping to capture some of that Mark Burnett reality TV magic. I've never really taken to the Survivor franchise, as the sight of beautiful women slowly reduced to feral sexlessness tends to make me incontinent. Again, not as fun as it sounds. But this episode of The Restaurant featured a crazed intern named Drew who cut a swath through the televised food service industry. This kid tried to get some reality-groupie/barfly skanks drunk on free margaritas (he's only 20), then topped it off by calling boss Rocco DiSpirito "Captain Douchebag" after he was dressed down for answering the telephone before he was properly trained.
Sure, Rocco DiSpirito's kind of a douchebag, but he had fight to make Captain. So I happily present Rocco's progression through the quasi-military/feminine hygiene ranks, and where he's headed if he continues to apply himself:
*Private First Class, Kotex Battalion
*Sergeant Tampon String
*First Lieutenant Maxi Pad (with wings)
*Captain Douchebag (current rank)
*Major Panty Shield
*Colonel Feminine Napkin
*Brigadier General Uterine Balloon