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Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Call Me When Christina's Cutting Video Drops

Scenes From The Britney Spears suicide-themed video for "Everytime"

Britney soaks in a bathtub, barely covered by strategically-placed bubbles. She's surrounded by candles. Tears stream down her face, and she picks up a note written on a nice piece of stationery. "From the Desk of...Madonna" is clearly visible at the top of the note.

The camera pans down the page. "Brit-- You're a really shitty kisser. Love, M"

Britney shreds the letter and lets the pieces flutter into the bath water. She turns on a radio sitting next to the tub, and the tune of "Everytime" is interrupted by Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution," which, obviously unbeknownst to her, is a song about alcoholism, not suicide. She switches off the radio and the sounds of "Everytime" return.

Britney sees the fragment of paper that says "shitty kisser" float by. She reaches for a nearby toaster, closes her eyes, and drops it into the tub. And...

Nothing happens. It's not plugged in.

She grabs a towel and storms into her bedroom. She picks up the receiver of a pink princess phone and dials 911.

Operator: 911 Emergency Services, how can we help you?

Britney: I'm about to die from a broken heart!

Operator: Do you need help, ma'am?

Britney: (singing) I may have made it rain/Please forgive me/My weakness caused you pain/And this song's my sorry

Operator: Is there something I can help you with?

Britney: (singing) At night I pray that soon/Your face will fade away

Operator: Ma'am, if you need--

Britney: (singing) Everytime I try to fly/I fall without my wings/I feel so small I guess/I need you baby

Operator: Ma'am, are you reading from a fifth-grader's diary?

Britney: Oh, it hurts so much. I want to kill myself! Listen...

Operator: We're here to help, just tell me where you are.

Britney: ...I had sex with Fred Durst!

Operator: Oh, my. Plug in the toaster this time.

Britney stares into the receiver of the phone. There's a picture of Durst on the nightstand next to the phone. Britney smashes the picture with the receiver. She picks up a shard of the broken glass, looks at her wrist, and smiles.

['Everytime': Britney's Suicide Video at stereogum]

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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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