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Thursday, April 15, 2004

And the Bandstand Plays On Dept.

 
Dick Clark, Ageless television host and Hollywood superproducer, revealed he has Type-2 diabetes. Clark's known about his disease since 1994 but has kept it a secret until now, but was prompted to come clean by a recent gossip item in the New York Daily News.

I immediately placed a call to Mr. Clark's diabetes' publicist, who arranged for a brief talk by telephone.

A Conversation With Dick Clark's Type-2 (Adult-Onset) Diabetes

Bunsen: So you've been living with Dick Clark since 1994. How does it feel finally to be recognized?

DCT2(AO)D: It's never easy keeping a secret. I'm just glad that it's all out in the open now.

Bunsen: Has Dick had to change his busy routine at all since you came into his life?

DCT2(AO)D: Let me tell you, keeping up with him has been a royal pain in the ass. That guy is go-go-go, all the time. There was that time that he was so busy with the American Music Awards, he got distracted and injected insulin about four times in an hour. That would have turned the average guy's pancreas into Sizzlean. But Dick collapsed for two minutes, got up, brushed himself off and coordinated a sound-check for Erykah Badu like nothing happened.

Bunsen: That guy's a dynamo!

DCT2(AO)D: He's still eating fifteen Butterfingers a day. I don't know how he does it.

Bunsen: It sounds like you really admire him.

DCT2(AO)D: I do. I've been trying to take him down for ten years, and I just can't get traction. Once I had him urinating every ten minutes during a New Year's Rockin' Eve special, but he just had a PA bring him Evian bottles to piss in.

Bunsen: They don't call him "America's Oldest Teenager" for nothing.

DCT2(AO)D: That nickname really bugs me. Teenager, my ass. I'm adult-onset diabetes, motherfucker, and teenagers ain't getting the Type-2.

Bunsen: Whoa, sounds like we touched a nerve.

DCT2(AO)D: Let's call an insulin-deprived spade a spade, OK? I've seen that guy's internals. Everything's held together with dental floss and spackle. I respect the guy, but I'm gonna get him. I'm shooting for the American Bandstand 75th Anniversary Reunion Speical.

Bunsen: Isn't that in about 23 years?

DCT2(AO)D: I'm just biding my time, brother. He's gonna let his guard down one of these days.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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