Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Strangely, Simon Cowell Somehow Found Out I Was Late to Potty-Train
According To My spies deep inside the television industry, American Idol was on last night. I didn't see it, so I'll just have to suspend disbelief and trust my sources. (I must admit last time I gave these people my trust they told me I was on a reality show called "Extreme Doing Jagermeister Shots and Taking a Dump in the Skybar Pool," so forgive my skepticism.)
Just to prove my AI bonafides: If I remember correctly, surviving AI contestants include a chick named Fantasia 2000 with a mouth the size of a manhole cover; a freak whose fiery hair and smooth, loungey vocals were the original inspiration for the phrase "beat him like a redheaded, baritone stepchild"; and a tiny, choreographically-impaired Mormon whose mission is to engage all remaining female contestants in polygamous, sex-slave bondage. Am I close? I must be leaving some out. In any case, my assistant tells me that Mormons wear magical underwear.
Simon Cowell's Withering Appraisal or My Mother's Tough Love?
1. "You are terrible. Completely awful."
2. "You really should go back to school in case this Hollywood thing doesn't work out."
3. "Dreadful. Absolutely, totally, and unreservedly dreadful."
4. "I've heard better runs in the diarrhea ward at Cedar Sinai."
5. "What's so special about you that you should go to Hollywood?"
6. "Did you really believe you could become [difficult job in the entertainment biz]? Well, then, you're a schmuck."
7. "If you would be [action verb ending in -ing] like this 2000 years ago, the village elders would rape you and leave you for dead."
8. "I'm just telling the truth here. I don't want you to waste any more of your life pursuing this silly little dream that just isn't going to happen."
9. "Park Mommy's car, she left it on the lawn."
10. "I always wanted a daughter. You never looked good in a skirt. No, no...I blame myself."