Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Fell in Love With a Judge Dept.
White Stripes Frontman (and occasional wooden actor) Jack White will have to attend anger management classes after pleading guilty to assaulting Von Bondies singer Jason Stollsteimer at a Detroit club in December. Additionally, White will pay a $500 fine and $250 in court costs.
Moments after the verdict, I was on the phone with Stollsteimer's battered face to get a reaction.
Bunsen: How are you doing?
Jason Stollsteimer's Battered Face: Not bad. The swelling's been down for a while. I'm really not so battered anymore. I'm just like any other garage-rock face at this point. A little pale, maybe a touch sullen.
Bunsen: I'll have to take your word for it, we're on the phone. But Jack really turned you into a side of mashed potatoes, didn't he?
JSBF: I try not to dwell on it. It's over. We have closure.
Bunsen: The funny thing is that Jack really doesn't look that tough. Definitely doesn't look like he could put your face in a mixing bowl and whip it into the fleshy mess he made of you.
JSBF: He kind of caught us by surprise.
Bunsen: It's not like he's a ninja. It's OK, everyone gets shredded by an indie-rock pixie eventually.
JSBF: I suppose.
Bunsen: How did you feel about the verdict?
JSBF: Like I said, we're putting it behind us. We're just glad it's over now.
Bunsen: It's been a busy week in jurisprudence. Any thoughts on Martha Stewart?
JSBF: It's really unfortunate that she's going to jail because she lied. If she told the truth from the outset, maybe this all could have been avoided.
Bunsen: Deep, man. But I was thinking more along the lines of if you thought Jack could kick the shit out of Martha.
JSBF: [long pause, then a sigh] Probably not.
Bunsen: So... I really like that new Von Bondies song, "Come On, Come On." It sounds very tough.
JSBF: Um, thanks. That's what we're going for.
Bunsen: After hearing that, I definitely wouldn't step to you.
JSBF: Thanks. That means a lot.
[See also: Separated at Birth: Jack White and Michael Jackson]