The Greatest Blog In the World

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

 

Corporate Communications Dept.



TO: All Cast Members

FROM: Michael Eisner, CEO and Chairman, The Walt Disney Company

I know that you're worried that you haven't heard from me in a while, so now it's time to set the record straight.
While a lot is being said about our company in the media, remember this one simple fact: Magic and imagination exist. They live and breathe and have a name, and that name is The Walt Disney Company.

We've recently fended off a hostile takeover, and we're stronger for it. Check the stock price.

Now is the time for strong leadership. Make no mistake, I am captain of the ship (or, if you prefer, the driver of the sixteen-wheeler with one of those really badass horns where you pull the chain when the people driving the little cars next to you give you that totally cool chain-pulling signal) that hauls all of this Disney magic and imagination cargo from our imagina-factories to the receiving docks that are the hearts and minds of our fans. I am Mickey's right hand, Minnie's whosyourdaddy, the guy following Pluto around with a plastic bag on his hand (because I want to, not because I take orders from the mind-rays of a gigantic, mute dog. That would be crazy!).

Recently, I allowed my Board to help me shed the cumbersome title of Chairman from my stationary, much as the boa constrictor sheds a layer of dead skin (note to creative: Have we done a talking snake movie? They're a little scary, there's bad Biblical associational bullshit, but worth exploring before Pixar makes them adorable and I'm not giving them another red cent. They think they don't need me? Good luck, computer-nerd fuckers!) so that I could concentrate on my duties as CEO. Chairman, what's that? CEO has mystery; no one really knows what it stands for. Sometimes I spend entire days dreaming up exactly what a Cinnamon Elephant Operator might do or what he would look like. This is a company of dreams, and I am its Cecret Emperor Octopus.

This e-mail is simply to let you know that I'm on top of things, and The Walt Eisner-Disney Company is in good hands. I know they're good because I was them at least three times an hour. Also, I know that it's not called the Eisner-Disney Company. That was a joke. I certainly haven't lost my sense of humor, otherwise why would I have drilled a hole in my six-foot plush Donald Duck's head to let out the bad humours? He was so sad all the time.

Off to swab the poop deck of the Good Ship Disney. Because I want to. It's dirty.

Your pal,

Mikey Eisner
Crackerjack Eternal Oyster
The Walt Disney Company



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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