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Friday, March 19, 2004

 

Apprentice Friday: You Can See Mr. Trump Now



It's Friday. And Friday belongs to Trump, as he greedily inspects the Nielsen overnight ratings. Since last night's installment was a dreaded recap show (note to The Donald: Don't be afraid of March Madness! You're better than that!), I'm going to turn my attention to the forgotten Apprentice cast member. No, I'm not talking about the old guy who always answers Trump's post-firing reflection, "Wow, that was a tough one," with a gently admonishing, "It's only going to get tougher."

I'm talking about Robin, Trump's Fake Receptionist. Like so many of our country's fake administrative personnel, the comely Robin labors in very real obscurity, lucky to receive a photocopied picture of a flower arrangement on Fake Secretaries Day. It's a thankless job which Robin carries out with aplomb, often completing her signature line, "You can see Mr. Trump now," without tripping over the words. She even takes the initiative of craning her lovely neck over the edge of her desk to make sure that the contestants hear her and comply with The Donald's wish to see them in The Boardroom set, post haste. Her dedication to her fake craft is admirable.



So to correct the indignity of our elitist exclusion of Robin from our watercooler discussion, I present to you Robin's Fake Receptionist Job Duties. A little appreciation goes a long way.

Primary Responsibility:
  • Execute utterance of signature phrase, "Mr. Trump will see you now," making no more than three mistakes per execution. Other acceptable phrasings: "You can see Mr. Trump now," "You can go in and see Mr. Trump now."


  • Other Fake Responsibilities:
  • Refill prop stapler with imaginary standard staples

  • Order fake laser printer toner with total disregard to proper product number.

  • Roll all of Mr. Trump's calls to a prerecorded weather service.

  • Record minutes from Boardroom in a stenographic alphabet of own invention, composed entirely of swirls, hearts, and flowers.

  • Perform acts of sexual congress with Mr. Trump. Discreetly ignore Mr. Trump when his supermodel girlfriend drops by the set unannounced.

  • Make fake appointment with top hair salon for a dramatic makeover of the infamous Trump coif.

  • Arrange for fake Trump concierge to pick up nonexistent dry cleaning.

  • Silently stew in thoughts that "I'm much hotter than that skank Heidi, and would make a much better Apprentice!" while outwardly retaining cheery demeanor.

  • Make token attempts at clearing paper jam in fake copier before enlisting help of office intern who is not-so-secretly harboring a crush on you, despite the fact that you only talk to him when you need help with some fake task.

  • Maintain compassionate, understanding look as fired contestants wait for fake elevator outside of Boardroom set, despite your glee that superbitch Omarosa has been sent back to a mediocre career in politics.

  • Fake orgasms during liaisons with Mr. Trump.



  • See previous Apprentice Friday entries:
    Drink Trump Ice
    Goodbye, Omarosa: A Recap in Haiku
    Fire & Ice: An Appreciation of Carolyn



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