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Friday, March 12, 2004

 

Apprentice Friday: The Hottest Blizzard



Continuing In The proud tradition of the last two weeks, this is your The Apprentice debriefing.

This week: An Appreciation of Donald Trump's Left-Hand Woman, Carolyn

Carolyn, Carolyn, Carolyn...where do I begin?

You sit at the left hand of The Donald. You represent the analytical side of his brain, the cold, calculating, precise faculties that allow him to close his artful deals, the cascading spreadsheets that allow him to figure to the nearest dime how much money it's going to cost him to get the newly-minted supermodel into his rotating waterbed. Maybe The Donald's turned that dissecting, lascivious eye on you, but that would be like Oroboros trying to fuck his tail as he deep-throats it. You're his eye. That junk's not flying Air Carolyn, says the lift in your brow, the tilt of your head.

Carolyn. Chances are that you have a last name, but we don't need it. When Trump buzzes his fake receptionist outside the boardroom set, he coos "Get me Carolyn." And she knows whom he's talking about, no surname needed. She learned that one the hard way.

Carolyn. Fiery ice queen, you burn so cold. Is that the flame or the chill I feel when our eyes meet across the flickering screen? You defy degrees Celsius, flummox Fahrenheit, confound even Kelvin. The quickening mercury in my thermometer doesn't know if it's coming or going. Are the scars from your encircling legs crisscrossing my lower back etched by ice-storm or by conflagration? No matter; I ache either way when I roll over to find a professionally-rendered memo resting on the pillow, bullet-points assessing my performance and explaining your hasty departure. My passion is the ultimate action item. Surely you see that.

Carolyn. I will not be burned like Heidi. I will not go to the street quietly. Take me to the suite.

Fuck it. Take me on the boardroom table.

You're fired, I'll whisper. You're iced.



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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