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Tuesday, February 17, 2004

 

Q & A Dept.



Interview magazine presents: The Cooler star William H. Macy's Scrotum talks to The Dreamers' Michael Pitt's Flaccid Penis

Kept firmly under wraps in such great films as Fargo, Magnolia, and this year's Oscar-nominated Seabiscuit, William H. Macy's scrotum finally got its close-up. In The Cooler, Macy plays a Las Vegas schlub whose luck is so bad that desperate, old-school casino boss Alec Baldwin uses him to stop cold the winning streaks of The Golden Shangri-La's hot hands -- and Macy's scrotum is not just hanging around for the ride.

Just when we thought that male genitalia had gotten its one cinematic moment in the sun, Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers let it all hang out on the table. Michael Pitt's flaccid penis logs more screen time than a fast-talking character actor in a Mamet adaptation. Interview persuaded Macy's scrotum to give Pitt's trousersnake a call and talk about their meteoric rise to movie stardom.


William H. Macy's Scrotum: Wow. So glad to be talking to you. You know, I'm not really a journalist or an interviewer or anything. We'll just shoot the breeze and see what happens, you know?

Michael Pitt's Flaccid Penis: Sounds good. I'm a big fan, so fire away.

WHMS: A lot of people like us just sort of fall into the acting game. But I always knew that I wanted to be in front of people, you know, inhabiting someone else. What about you?

MPFP: To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a fireman.

WHMS: No kidding!

MPFP: Yeah, what kid doesn't? Plus I already sort of had the fireman-helmet thing going. Seemed like a natural fit. But Michael wanted to be an actor, so what are you going to do?

WHMS: Tell me about it! Bill had some crazy idea about being a lawyer, but once we got to college we got bitten by the acting bug.

MPFP: Ouch! Don't do any biting near me! I see teeth and I just curl up into a little ball.

WHMS: Ha!

MPFP: Was The Cooler the first time you actually got on-screen?

WHMS: Hey, I'll ask the questions here! Just kidding. Yeah, that was the first time. Got me my own SAG card. Though I did just barely get passed over to play the Ben Stiller's sack caught in the zipper in There's Something About Mary. It was just scrotum-double work, but it would have been a boost for my career. They went with prosthetics. Hacky stuff, man.

MPFP: Now it's all CGI. Pretty soon they won't even need us.

WHMS: How are you handling all of the inevitable Leo DiCaprio comparisons?

MPFP: I can't really do anything about it. People are going to say what they're going to say. Personally, I don't see it -- he's not even circumcised!

WHMS: OK, let's get to what Interview really wanted me to talk about: your love scenes with the incredibly beautiful Eva Green.

MPFP: SOOOO uncomfortable!

WHMS: I know! Aren't they? Maria Bello cupping me in her hand was great, but still...

MPFP: Don't get me wrong, Eva's a really sexy girl and it was fun. But there's nothing sexy about having to perform with all the crew around. Bernardo had the camera guys strip down so that I wasn't the only floppy penis on the room. Well, most of them were flaccid. He makes such a comfortable atmosphere for an actor's genitalia.

WHMS: How'd they keep you from, how do I ask this...rising to the occasion?

MPFP: It's something of a trade secret, but Michael dipped me in a glass of ice water before the scenes.

WHMS: Oh, Lord!

MPFP: I know!

WHMS: We've gotta wrap this up. It was great talking to you.

MPFP: We'll have to get together when I go to LA.

WHMS: I'd love that. I go wherever Bill goes! OK, let's go out with one last question. So who's your inspiration?

MPFP: Keitel.

WHMS: That's a no-brainer.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. His day job is editor of Defamer, a blog about things that actually happen* in Hollywood.
[*well, mostly]
If You Like Bunsen, Then You'll Love Bunsen

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