Monday, February 23, 2004
Post-Mortem, Post-Partum, Post-Blahnik Debriefing
I Get The impression that you thought I was kidding when I revealed myself to be a v. secret fan of the late, great, pinnacle-of-human-achievement known as HBO's Sex and the City. Unable to get the flamorlous (they are so glamorous and fabulous that I had to make up a new word to describe them!) ladies of SATC out of my head since watching last night's finale, I spent the rest of the night trying to take the collective temperature of the Sex-deprived masses and find out how the end of a Sexilicious era is affecting their lives.
"Leaving that adorable Chinese baby to die of exposure on the side of a mountain would be infinitely more humane than permitting it to die of utter boredom in the hands of that Charlotte person. An instant embargo on the flow of unwanted infants from our country to the arms of cloying, infertile Manhattan shoe-fetishists will be enacted immediately." -- Xianhia Hiu, Minister of Child Services for the People's Republic of China.
"When I found out that Samantha had breast cancer, I was so overcome with grief that I sliced off my remaining breast and mailed it to her. If I could have figured out where my libido is, I would have sliced that out and mailed it to her as well. Yes, it did eventually occur to me that she is a fictional character, but she's so much more than that. She's living (well, not exactly living) proof that even shallow whores are not immune from cancer and can still bag young super-studs. Samantha, you go girl!" -- Nancy Reagan, former First Lady of the United States of America
"While I maintain that I'm in no way Anti-Semitic, the fact of the matter is that after watching the bald guy married to the boring chick complain that God lost his address, I remember that I indeed do hate Jews." -- Mel Gibson, director, The Passion of the Christ
"I'm sad to see SATC and all of those great shoes go, but I'm really excited for Kim Catrall's upcoming line of fetish videos where she squishes worms with her gorgeous feet." -- Ranford Bellows, foot fetishist
"I was so taken with the supreme act of love by the frumpy, red-headed one washing the crazy, old one that I immediately showed up at the nearest day-care center with a sponge, a squeegee, and a bucket of sudsy water, ready to show the depths of my love for the children. The elderly aren't the only ones who should be showed love." --Michael Jackson, erstwhile King of Pop and philanthropist to the young
"Once I realized that Carrie wasn't going to finally show her tits, I flipped over to Nick at Nite and brought myself off to the younger, Square Pegs-era Sarah Jessica Parker -- not realizing until the moment of climax that I was watching a rerun of Mr. Ed. I did cry when the caller ID told me that Big's name was John, though." -- Bunsen, internet gadfly, SATC commemorative plate collector, onanist