The Greatest Blog In the World

Thursday, February 12, 2004


Merger Dept.

Scene From A not-so-hostile takeover:


Michael Eisner sits behind an enormous oak desk in his office at Disney HQ. He's screaming into the phone and absent-mindedly strangling a Donald Duck plush toy.

EISNER: And you tell that fucking Roy Disney that if he tries to call my cell phone one more time, I'm going to send Harvey Fucking Weinstein to sit on his little weasel face!

There's a knock at the door.

EISNER: [shouting into intercom] Doris, who the fuck is that?

DORIS: [O.C.] Mr. Eisner, it's--

The door is flung open. A CABLE GUY stands in the doorway for a moment before walking towards Eisner's desk.

EISNER: Who the hell are you?

CABLE GUY: Comcast. I'm here to fix your cable.

EISNER: Excuse me, pal?

CABLE GUY: [clearing throat] I'm here to fix your cable.

EISNER: Do I even have cable?

CABLE GUY: Doesn't matter. OK, then I'm here to lay some cable.

Eisner scratches his head, confused.

EISNER: But I think I have satellite, maybe? And is having the sleeves torn off your shirt and your shirt halfway open a proper uniform? What's with the hard hat indoors?

The Cable Guy walks around to the back of the desk and stands behind Eisner's huge leather chair.

CABLE GUY: I think you want cable.

EISNER: I've never even really thought about it. I just turn on the TV, you know, and it's just sort of "on." I don't think about how it, you know, gets in here.

The Cable Guy places his hands on Eisner's shoulders. Eisner immediately tenses up and squirms under his grasp.

CABLE GUY: You want cable.

EISNER: I don't know...

CABLE GUY: [Whispering] Trust me...

His hands slide down from Eisner's shoulders and under his jacket.

EISNER: I need, you know, time to consider this. AOL...Time Warner...

CABLE GUY: You'll really like my cable, don't worry.

Eisner stands abruptly and faces the Cable Guy.

EISNER: But I'm not sure--

CABLE GUY: [placing his finger over Eisner's lips] Shhh... Convergence. You'll like it, I promise.

The Cable Guy leans in, his lips inches from Eisner's.

EISNER: You know, cable could be good...

The Donald Duck plush toy hits the office floor, followed by a tie...and then a hard hat.

[Will someone please invent a screenplay format for Blogger or in CSS? I'm really tired of my cinematic noodlings looking so, you know, amateurish.]

About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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