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Friday, February 13, 2004

 

Lines We Wish We'd Written, Then Realized, Oh, We Did, Just Now, Blasphemy Edition



On Mel Gibson's plan to open his love letter to the Messiah, The Passion of the Christ, in "select" theaters, i.e. areas that aren't Jewish or liberal:

That guy's a few nails short of a crucifixion.

Deleted Scenes of Liberally-Adapted Bible Passages to be Included on The Passion of the Christ DVD

  • The infant Jesus slaps the knife out of the mohel's hand and escapes his bris by swinging to safety on a chandelier.

  • Jesus and the Apostles upend the moneylenders' tables in the Temple with Mad Max-style apocalyptic sport-utility vehicles.

  • A frustrated Jesus tells his audience at Sermon on the Mount that the Jewish-controlled media will stifle press coverage of his speech, angrily referring to Jerusalem as "Hymietown."

  • Jesus serves Pizza Hut's delicious new 4-for-All pizza at the Last Supper.

  • When the first nail is driven into Jesus' hand, a subtitle translates his Aramaic groan as Mel Gibson doesn't blame the Jews for this.

  • Jesus barely manages to roll away the boulder sealing his tomb seconds before it completely floods with water.

  • "Director's Cut Alternate Ending:" Following the crucifixion, Jesus abruptly wakes in his Hollywood Hills mansion, leaving the audience to question if the past two thousand years of human endeavor were just a dream.




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