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Tuesday, February 24, 2004

 

I've Always Said I Got Lawyer in Me. Or is it Politician?



President Bush Came out on national television Tuesday in support of a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages to "prevent the meaning of marriage from being changed forever."

Having spent a good part of my adult life in the power corridors of Washington, DC, I know that such an amendment will likely include very specific provisions to avoid possible loopholes that would allow same-sex partners to exploit the spirit of the law. I've read the fine print carefully so that I can list for you these tricky provisions of the Bush-sponsored "Defense of Marriage Amendment":

  • Wherein the same-sex "marriages" performed by renegade Municipalities in direct opposition to various Legislation enacted at both the State and Federal levels be Immediately and Irrevocably dissolved, with all assets acquired following illegal partnerships returned to Ikea post-haste.

  • Wherein the personal appearance and domicile of a slovenly Heterosexual male is deemed to be in need of a Make-Over, there must be present one (1) supervisory Heterosexual female for each Homosexual male enlisted to examine the non-fashionable contents of his Closet; or to scoff at the duct tape of his Comfy Chair before its unceremonious Removal; or to upturn a Homosexual proboscis at the fundamental deficiency of Hair Product in his medicine cabinet; or to quip at the dubious gastronomic value of the Hot Pockets in his freezer; or to stand idly by trying to make himself seem useful by performing facial contortions in the vicinity of his music collection while the other four Homosexual males perform tangible lifestyle upgrades on said Heterosexual male. Said Heterosexual female supervision is required so that said Homosexual male cannot secretly enter into an officially recognized Domestic Partnership agreement for the duration of the Make-Over or any time Thereafter.

  • Wherein the Actors Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are contracted to appear concurrently in a Motion Picture, the contracts for the Motion Picture are Immediately and Irrevocably rendered null and void so that their inadvertent joining in a Commonlaw Domestic Partnership is to be prevented. The actors also are herein enjoined from entering into any Business Agreement, including but not limited to, the joint ownership of a Restaurant, a Cabaret, a Real Estate Venture, or a Toy-class canine.

  • Wherein the eminent Actor and Film Producer Thomas Cruise Mapother is to be provided, free of Expense, a Heterosexual female consort for purposes of companionship at Film Premieres, Hollywood social events, and staged candid paparazzi photography [Redacted for anonymity in future Freedom of Information Act requests]

  • Wherein no current or future Legislation, Constitutional Amendment, or Executive Decree can in any way prohibit, enjoin, or restrict the exchange of Homosexual physical contact among cast members of the Showtime television drama "The L Word," including but not limited to the performance of, kissing; deep or "French" kissing; vaginal-oral, oral-vaginal, or vaginal-vaginal contact; use of Pleasure Devices; the postcoital combing of each other's hair. Additionally, this provision calls for the immediate cancellation of the NBC television comedy "Will & Grace".




  • About this site

    This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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