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Friday, February 06, 2004

 

An Important Notice from Our Programming Executives



Due To The events that transpired during the Super Bowl Halftime Extravaganza (see also: "Nipplegate," "The Justin/Janet Great Titty Flap," "Tittygate," et al.) this web site will be following the responsible lead of CBS in its coverage of the Grammy Awards and supplementing our usual five-second delay with an "enhanced delay."

Normally, when you visit Bunsen [dot] TV, you've been urged to close your eyes and count to five (utilizing the accepted "one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand" progression) before reading any of the potentially family-unfriendly material on this site, which often includes but is not limited to: graphic descriptions of sexual acts with people in the public eye that may or may not have occurred [Ed.--trust me, they occurred]; potentially offensive or "salty" language including liberal use of the "f" word (and especially lately, the diminutive formulation "titty") or graphic descriptions of sexual acts encouraged by unhinged political figures who self-destruct under the pressure of front-runner status; descriptions of the illegal sexual proclivities of erstwhile kings of pop music; artists' renderings of my exposed genitalia displaying clever pubic topiary designs (my favorite was inspired by the famed "hanging gardens" of Babylon).

In the past, the five-second delay was adequate in mitigating the impact of this potentially upsetting content.

But the events of Sunday, February 1st have ushered in a new and totally welcome age of puritanical sensibilities in our entertainment choices. Hence the immediate institution of "enhanced delay" procedures on this web site.

The following is the Official Bunsen [dot] TV "enhanced delay" Protocol:

  • Observe five-second delay by closing eyes upon page load and counting to five use established "one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand" progression [note:if you are unable to close your own eyes because of physical disability, please have live-in quality-of-life technician cover your eyes with an approved visual occlusion device]

  • Open eyes.

  • Read the first sentence of the day's post. If the first three words of the post appear in SMALL CAPS typeface, the post is likely to contain family-unfriendly content.

  • Click here to launch a new browser window containing content from a family-friendly source. [warning: repeated viewing of Amber Tamblyn talking about God may cause family-unfriendly erections. She's over 18, so that while this may be a family-unfriendly arousal, it is a legal one.]

  • Shake head vigorously to halt sepia-toned fantasy of running barefoot through a meadow with Amber Tamblyn, finally collapsing in a giggly, breathless embrace with Amber Tamblyn, just as that delicious moment of awkward, too-close eye contact results in that perfect first kiss.

  • Press Alt-Tab to toggle back to the browser window containing Bunsen [dot] TV, unable to focus on the family-unfriendly content presented in the most recent post.

  • Come to the conclusion that all of Amber Tamblyn's wholesome God talk is just a character on a television show, and that in real life Amber Tamblyn is probably up for pretty much anything.


  • Thank you in assisting the production team at Bunsen [dot] TV in protecting America's sensibilities!




    About this site

    This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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