Wednesday, February 04, 2004
I'd Gaze at My Navel But the Mirror is So Much Shinier
Some Notes On My New Haircut
It is significantly shorter than before I visited the barber... The hair on the sides of my head was trimmed with a straight razor, and the top mostly with a small pair of scissors redolent of Barbicide... Even after three showers, a shallow finger-probe launched into my ear canal still reveals the existence of renegade clippings. Tenacious little buggers, these... The young Brando comparisons are not completely unwarranted, except in relation to this new haircut... It would probably be impolitic to describe my former hairstyle as the bastard offspring of Nick Nolte's mug shot raping the mug shot of James Brown... Or to call the new style the magnificent offspring of Paul Newman's hair seducing that of Robert Redford on the set of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"... Is that my hair or did my scalp throw up?... It's a little known fact that I was born with a full head of hair, which my mother claims was not taken well by the obstetrician, who was a victim of male pattern baldness since the age of 18. I've always suspected my "outie" was his (quite unprofessional) lashing out... Does anyone else wonder, while seated in the barber's chair, if there's a parallel reality in which I didn't cut my hair and lived a slightly better life?... My advisers assure me that my choice to cut my hair had very little to do with Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) dropping out of the Democratic Primary. I'd like to think that too... The back of my neck hasn't been exposed to direct sunlight since early in 2003... My lost-in-thought, hair-twisting affect has now been replaced with a trying-to-get-lost-in-thought, goatee-stroking affect... I'm finally able to apply product to the back of my head first, working my way to the front, as per the instructions of the Grooming Queer Eye... The status of my sideburns shall remain undisclosed, even though technically sideburns are hair and they were cut... I'm quite comfortable with the decision to pass on the pedicure.