I Try to Get Out, and They Keep Pulling Me Back In

TO: All CBS Employees
FROM: Les Moonves, President

My CBS family,

I seriously regret the media hailstorm that's befallen our proud network. Let me set some things straight while I have your ear:

We paid Ms. Jackson a hefty sum to appear in our Super Bowl Halftime Extravaganza. And with that princely remuneration, it was clearly (read: VERY clearly) understood that we would be getting the entire breast for our money. None of this "solar titty-plate" nonsense; Camera #8 was to get the breast, the areola, even the little pointy part in the middle, which I guess technically is the nipple. (Which, I might mention, was to be fully perked up, and who could tell with that ridiculous suit of armor around it?)

Again, I apologize to you, my network brothers and sisters. This won't impact your 401(k). Trust me.

And you have my assurances that our big Grammy "personal grooming accident" where Britney shaves Beyoncé's genitalia clean with an easily-identifiable Lady Shick disposable razor will come off without a hitch.

Here's to a great 2004!

Best,
Les