Thursday, February 26, 2004
Forgive Me, Father, For I Know Not How to Q&A--or--
I Don't Know why Big Media keeps insisting on questioning Mel Gibson about The Passion of the Christ. I reached Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ by cell phone during his current press junket promoting the film and Christianity in general to get to the bottom of the raging controversy surrounding the film.
An Interview with Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ
Bunsen: How are you holding up under all of the media scrutiny over The Passion of the Christ?
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: I gotta tell you, it hasn't been easy. On this junket I've been doing with Mel, they beat me relentlessly after every question. And sometimes during the question. HHHHHHHHHHHOOOO BOY! That stung. Cat o' nine tails.
Bunsen: Are you OK? Can we continue?
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: I'm fine. I've been through a lot, but you never really get used to it, you know?
Bunsen: Is Mel Gibson Anti-Semitic?
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: Mel? Come on. Are you forgetting that he made a movie about me and I'm Jewish? I know that it's a total cliche to say this, but some of his best friends are Jewish. [long pause]
Bunsen: Hello? Are you still there?
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: Yeah. No worries. It's just that there's this guy with an iron cage on his head, and he's got a pretty scary looking whip with thorns on the end, and he keeps snapping it. UUUUUUUHHHHHHH. Oh yeah. He whipped me. Me H. Me, that hurts.
Bunsen: What do you think about the Christian groups who are renting out theaters and organizing mass viewings of the movie to ensure a healthy box office opening?
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: I think that they're incredibly savvy about the realities of the entertainment industry. If I don't open huge, it's really going to hurt the next picture, where I'm resurrected so that I can get the shit kicked out of me for a couple of more days before I return to heaven.. FOR THE LOVE OF DAD, IS THAT REALLY #$%$## NECESSARY? This other guy just dumped salt water all over my open wounds, while someone held open my mouth and put a nine-volt battery on my tongue. In any case, I hear that they're going to read the projected box-office grosses at Mass this Sunday.
Bunsen: I know you're tired of answering this, but what's really being accomplished by all of this violence? Many critics have suggested that the sickening and graphic nature of your torture in the final hours is overwhelming your message of love.
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH. FFFFFFFFFFFFFAARRRRRRG HHH! Whoa, what would you call a baseball bat with a stun-gun taped to the end? Anyway, Mel's just trying to drive home the point that I suffered and died for your sins. People seem to be missing that message, so he thought that this junket, where he could recreate a lot of my trials and throw in some new, equally cruel ones, would finally put all of that talk to rest and let people concentrate on the love thing. After a while you're really desensitized to the violence and can be truly open to the message.
Bunsen: Is this a movie for children?
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: "Suffer the little children and forbid them not to come unto me." They're using that on a giant billboard on top of the AMC Burbank 16 and giving out free popcorn for the kids. That's just good marketing. Hold on. The publicist is making a slashing motion across her throat. I can't tell if she means "wrap it up" or if the guy with the knife is coming back to pierce me.
Bunsen: I just have a couple more questions about gay marriage and Survivor: All-Stars...
Mel Gibson's Jesus Christ: Oh, it's the knife guy. I gotta run.