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Tuesday, February 10, 2004

 

The DVD Outtakes Will Feature a Great "Yah Mo B There" Joke I Had to Cut for Time Considerations



It's The Wee hours of the morning and I've finally finished reading all the posts blogging the Grammys. While I was heroically trying to out Adam Brody's and Rachel Bilson's real-life love affair, others were assiduously compiling their minute-by-minute blow-by-blows of the hott Grammyy actionn, honing their quipilicious witticisms about Sting's poor McCartney impression, 50 Cent's sour grapes menacing of white people, and Beyoncé's thunder thighs.

And I came to the conclusion that I chose the wrong night to run around the house in my tighty whities and fedora with "Scoop" etched on the brim, frantically yelling "Item!" and scribbling furiously in my steno pad.

So in the interest of playing catch-up on all the fun I missed last night, I'm posting selections from my Grammy blog from 1984, originally published on my BBS from a friend's trusty Commodore 64.

Bunsen Live from the 27th Annual Grammy Awards, Feb.1984

8:01 pm: The show's off to a totally rockin' start as The Boss launches into a poignant, fist-pumpin', head-boppin' rendition of "Born in the USA." Whoa, I hope he gets back up to play "Dancin' in the Dark" so that stone cold fox with the LPGA haircut from the video can jump up on stage and shake that booty. Bruce is a lock for Album of the Year. This is gonna be the best. show. ever.

8:06 pm: Sorry, just fixed this problem with the period key sticking. I can't go back and edit, so that last line was supposed to read "best show ever" without all the superflous punctuation. Thanks for your patience.

8:48 pm: The camera pans across the front row, where Michael Jackson, clad in his newly-adopted Space Admiral get-up, shares some popcorn with Webster star Emmanuel Lewis. Oh, that's so adorable the way that Michael just picked up Emmanuel and dangled him in front of the camera! It's obvious that the guy loves children. Very refreshing in this "Me" decade.

9:32 pm: I don't know what kind of happy pills this Cyndi Lauper chick is taking, but I want some. Girls just wanna...win best new artist! Laugh out loud.

9:43 pm: We're into garbage time already. Billy Ocean wins Best Rhythm and Blues Vocal Performance, Male for "Caribbean Queen." Memo to Mr. Ocean: The only way you'll see the Caribbean is while serving me shrimp cocktails on a Princess Cruise. Yeah, that joke was a bit of a stretch, but he'll probably at least wind up singing on a boat, don't ya think? Come on, Ocean's probably not even his real name.

10:15 pm: Can this Prince dude get any fucking weirder with his purple, ruffled pirate shirt? I don't think so.

10:26 pm: I like Phil Collins much better on Miami Vice. Take a look at me now, Phil, taking a piss break in the middle of your song.

10:33 pm: Tina Turner's gotta be like 60 and in the words of ZZ Top, she's got legs, she knows how to use 'em. God, I wanna make like Ike and hit that.

10:55 pm: The moment we've all been waiting for...Best Album. Springsteen's already won for "Dancing in the Dark." He looks constipated with anticipation, but come on, he's the fucking Boss--it's the coolest constipation I've ever seen. And the winner is...Lionel Richie! What the f---? Mr. Penny Lover beats The Boss? I'm never watching the fucking Grammys again, not even if Huey Lewis tears off Tina Turner's shirt and exposes her breasts, plunging the country into a moral Dark Ages from seeing a brown nipple.

11:00 pm: Tempers cool slightly as an epic all-star jam of Grammy winner Ray Parker, Jr's "Ghostbusters" including Rockwell, the two fattest Pointer Sisters, Michael Macdonald, Chaka Fucking Khan (chakakhan chakakhan let me rock you chakakhan), and yes, you guessed it--Lionel Richie and Bruce Springsteen. Bruce gets Lionel in a playful noogie to show that there's no hard feelings. Michael Jackson gathers a small group of children and marches them backstage, no doubt so they can meet all the stars and watch the music history being made. That guy's got so much love to give, man.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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