Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Sometimes the Television Shows Politics Dept.
A Quick Q&A with Howard Dean's Unhinged Concession Speech Guttural Battle Cry
Bunsen: Thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions.
Howard Dean's Unhinged Concession Speech Guttural Battle Cry [HDUCSGBC]: It's totally my pleasure! We've just gotta get the word out and we love being the underdog in New Hampshire! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Bunsen: I'm sure you're tired of hearing this, but some people think that you made Howard Dean seem a little less than presidential and have given Republicans perfect ammunition for attack ads.
HDUCSGBC: You wanna know something?
[Pregnant, uncomfortable pause brought on by chilling eye contact following presumably rhetorical question.]
HDUCSGBC: C'mon, you wanna know something?
Bunsen: [Theatrically adjusting collar to broadcast my squeamishness] Yeah, sure.
HDUCSGBC: Unpresidential? I'm going to North Carolina and Mississippi and Illinois and those Republicans can totally, one-hundred percent EAT MY FUCKING ASSHOLE! YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bunsen: Hooookay. [Searching for next question] What did you think of tonight's State of the Union address?
HDUCSGBC: I found Bush's plan to in five years halve the record budget deficit he caused to be the height of straight-faced political hypocrisy.
Bunsen: Oh. That's a surprisingly calm, considered opinion.
HDUCSGBC: Yeah, that's right! And because of that hypocrisy I'm going to Washington, DC to take back the White House! I'm going to sit down on the toilet in the Lincoln Bedroom and hold down George W. Bush's head while HE GIVES ME A FUCKING BLUMPKIN!!!!! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH BIIIIIAAAAATCH!
Bunsen: Do you have any messages that I can deliver to John Kerry, whom many consider to be the front-runner due to your, um. outburst?
HDUCSGBC: John Kerry is a personal friend of mine and a great servant of his country. But I'm going to New Hampshire and South Carolina and I can promise you that his wife's GOING TO LICK GREEN KETCHUP OFF MY KNOB WHEN I WIN THE PRIMARY!!!! YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH HOW D'YA LIKE ME NOW, FRONT-RUNNER MR. HEINZ?!?!?!?!?!!! [Wildly throws punches into the air]
Bunsen: Good luck in New Hampshire, Unhinged Concession Speech Guttural Battle Cry of the Governor.
HDUCSGBC: And a pleasant day to you, sir.