Thursday, January 22, 2004
I Know that the "Who the Fuck Cares?" Factor is Somewhere Around "P.Diddy Nicked Himself Shaving Last Night," but this is What I Do
IN AN HEROIC attempt to be the first to bear the news of the J-lo/Affleck (read also "Bennifer") break-up to somebody, anybody, Bunsen conducted the following exchange with a moldy deck chair next to the drained swimming pool at the Cairo, Nebraska (pop. 790) Motel 6:
Bunsen: Dude, you're not going to believe this -- Ben and J-Lo have finally called off the wedding!
Moldy Deck Chair Next to the Drained Swimming Pool at the Cairo, Nebraska Motel 6: Didn't that happen about three months ago? You know, the strippers in Vancouver thing?
Bunsen: No, they got back together.
MDCNTTDSPATCNM6: Oh. That's so totally awesome!
Bunsen: I know!
MDCNTTDSPATCNM6: So this just happened?
Bunsen: Yeah, just now! I wanted to be the first to tell someone. You know, break the big scoop and whatnot.
MDCNTTDSPATCNM6: Consider it broken, man! [Snickering]
Bunsen: What? [realizing] Oh, no....
MDCNTTDSPATCNM6: I totally heard like ten minutes ago on Gawker! And the local news!
[Crushed and overcome by despair, Bunsen tosses himself into the dry pool, not unlike the diver in that commercial that compares doing drugs to diving into a dry pool.]
[He is saved from serious, possibly-fatal cranial trauma when his head lands on a discarded Water Wing.]
Bunsen: Dude! J-Lo and Affleck---
Discarded Water Wing: Whatevs. Call me when Cruise comes out on Access Hollywood, then we'll talk.
Bunsen: I'm too depressed to utter another cry of despair.
DWW: And I'm a little bored of your interviews with anthropomorphized inanimate objects.
DWW: And I know you aren't gonna bring that weak story about you and Affleck up in here.
Bunsen: [through a nose jammed with the snot of frustrated gossip pathos]: I'm coming back when they get back together! You'll see!