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Thursday, January 29, 2004

 

But It Looks Like the Code for "Huge Out of Court Settlement" is About to Be Cracked



LORDY, LORDY. IT seems that the Michael Jackson Freak Parade just took another left turn onto What the Fuck? Street.

Various sources are reporting that MJ is in the habit of serving alcohol to his underage playmates in soda cans, and that he adorably refers to white wine as "Jesus Juice" and to red wine as "Jesus blood."

Just moments ago, I was leaked a document that revealed Jacko's super-secret code names for other things that might, like his very beautiful friendships with children, be misunderstood and get him in trouble during his trial.

Selections from the Glossary of Michael Jackson's wondrously wondrous Religiously-Tinged Code-Words

"Virgin Mary Milkshake" = A White Russian in an 8 oz. milk carton

"Jehovah Jamba Juice" = A margarita in a Capri Sun bag, sipped through a crazy straw

"Holy Spirit Swizzle Stick" = Michael's genitalia

"Baby Jesus in a Sleeping Bag" = Michael's genitaila in a prophylactic

"Watching the Stars with Archangel Gabriel" = A nighttime ride on the Neverland Ferris wheel, which always seems to "stick" at the top for fifteen minutes

"Jiggling St. Peter's Fuzzy Dice" = A reacharound

"Taking a Platonic Nap in My Huge, Comfy Bed with the Twelve Apostles, the Three Wise Men, and Frankincense" = [Too graphic to be reprinted. Trust me, you don't want to know. Let's just say MJ must have had his spine removed during one of those surgeries and leave it at that, OK?]


In other news, someone else is probably tippling a little too much of the good Jesus stuff:





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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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