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Wednesday, January 14, 2004

 

But He's Holding Off on Re-emancipating the Slaves Until the Election is Closer



MILDRED! HEY, MILDRED! Turn off Uncle Milty and get over here! This crazy fool says we're goin' to the moon!

Key Provisions of George W. Bush's New NASA Space Exploration Plan

--John Glenn is to be persuaded to come out of retirement via an ether-soaked rag and a burlap sack and sent back into a 30-day geosynchronous orbit; he'll be kept company by the cryogenically-preserved head of Yuri Gagarin and a velvet painting of Gus Grissom.

--All "undocumented Martians" stowing away on returning US spacecraft are ineligible for drivers' licenses, public schooling, and welfare benefits and must be immediately returned to Vincente Fox.

--Howard Dean can be released from imprisonment in the Phantom Zone in 2019, 2018 with time off for good behavior.

--NASA aides are to ensure that the President never sees the apocalyptic visionary masterwork Mars Attacks! to prevent him from getting cold feet and canceling the budget increase.

--Astronauts will be instructed to bring back "some of that there moon gravity" to increase distance of Presidential golf drives.

--The recapture of escaped supervillain Saddam Hussein in a Sea of Tranquility spider-hole is planned for April 2015.

--Halliburton is to receive exclusive contracts for gathering all useless red rocks from the surface of Mars.

--Martians are to be granted self-rule no later than the summer of 2038, but only after Al Gore III fails to win majority in the Martian Provisional Parliament electoral college.

--Right about here I passed out from being overwhelmed with possibilities for mediocre George W. Bush jokes, woke up ten minutes later and deleted one involving reference to Bush rather uncreatively exercising his leadership role by re-emancipating the slaves, then promoted it to a headline.

--And here is where I realized that not having anything worthwhile to say has never stopped me before. See archives from May 2002-present for details.

--And lastly I came *this* close to detailing how Bush planned to declare our independence from Great Britain, which everyone knows happened sometime in the 1830's.



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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