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Sunday, January 25, 2004

 

The 2004 Golden Globes: Close Enough for Me to Smell, But Far Enough Away to Not Get Any On Me



FROM THE RED carpet to Harvey Weinstein's beating of a cocktail waitress who asked if Miramax was nominated for anything this year: Bunsen [dot] TV's less-than-comprehensive coverage of notable moments at the Golden Globes:


*Red Carpet host and youngest View cackling hen Lisa Ling caused an uncomfortable moment when she stopped Lucy Liu and thanked her for her career, which she candidly revealed to be a screwball mistaken identity scenario. They shared a nervous laugh over how each Monday morning Barbara Walters asks Lisa about Kill Bill's weekend gross between clumsy foot-binding jokes.

*Just ask Mary-Louise Parker and Cate Blanchett-- engorged breasts ready for the breast feeding of greedy newborn (or about to be born) mouths are the new awards-season anorexia. Sorry, Brittany Murphy!

*But don't give me no Bridget Jones II guff: Any way you slice it, Renee Zelleweger is morbidly obese.

*Al Pacino's wispy ponytail caused quite a stir in the kitchen at Spago Beverly Hills, where a busboy received confirmation on national television that he actually did hear the snip of scissors followed by a triumphant "Hoo-ah!" resolving in an interminably overacted soliloquy from Richard III.

*Danny Devito narrowly defeated Dustin Hoffman, Tom Cruise, and some guy in a wheelchair that The Office's Ricky Gervais dragged on stage in the Official 2004 Golden Globes Short-off. Man oh man, that Devito is short!

*The camera repeatedly stole moments of making love to Jude Law, a man so beautiful that he turned me gay in nine-second increments each time he appeared onscreen. Luckily for the women of Hollywood, I was quickly hetero-restored by multiple reaction shots of half-man/half-bear changeling Peter Jackson eating what appeared to be ribs.

*The chameleon-like Meryl Streep is at it again, and this time she's apparently disappearing into a role requiring an LPGA tour haircut and some serious cankles. That's dedication to craft, people.

*NBC's promotion machine roared to life during the all-too-frequent commercial breaks. This week's Scrubs will feature Michael J. Fox as Dr. Trembles, the most malpracticin' surgeon this side of the guy who botched Olivia Goldsmith's facelift.

*Apparently the folks at CNBC have given Dennis Miller another crack at a talk show. This time, he'll stick his head straight up his ass and rant directly into his duodenum.

*For reasons of mindbending circular logic beyond the grasp of this simple civilian, the Hollywood Foreign Press gives an award for Best Foreign Film. This year's winner was Afghanistan's Osama, the most unfortunately-named entry in this category since 1941's Hitler's Twat. The crowd patiently waited for director Siddiq Barmak to jump up on a table and adorably profess his love for America, apple-pie, and big-titted blondes. Instead, they got a dignified, heartfelt speech. Bo-ring!

*If I had a chicken for every time Jack Nicholson threw his head back in a squinty laugh through his trademark sunglasses, I'd have the Mexican village on my favorite votive candle.

*From the "I'm Not Dead Yet!" file: Living legend Michael Douglas was honored with the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, even though he's at least six years away from a career-reviving stroke. C'mon Foreign Press, not so fast! There's another chapter in the Douglas saga waiting to be written while the "stately" heartthrob is being kept vital by the life-giving force of Catherine Zeta-Jone's vagina.

*Oh, Tom Cruise, don't think we didn't notice that you brought your mother to the ceremony! Nothing to see here, folks, just another breeder sharing success with Mom...

*Former bad-boy rebel Sean Penn was absent for his Best Dramatic Actor nod. He's busy preparing for his next role by searching for things that smell like shit to aid his trademark nose-wrinkling move.

*Hollywood royal and new America's sweetheart Sofia Coppola stunned all in attendance by inviting Jennifer Connelly onstage for a cat-fight with pillows stuffed with hundred-dollar bills. The dual Globe-winning (Best Original Screenplay, Best Comedic Film) Coppola nearly made it a trifecta by covering herself in apple butter and Connelly in quick-hardening Magic Shell chocolate sauce, but the bout was interrupted when one of my Globe party guests entered my bathroom without knocking. So not cool.

*As expected, Charlize Theron waltzed away with the Best Dramatic Actress award. Through her streaming tears of gratitude she remembered to thank the real-life inspiration for her role, female serial killer Aileen Wuornos, for "totally wasting all those johns. You were super rad!" Whispers around the tables had Renee Zelleweger immediately on the phone to her agent, demanding that "next time I blow up for a role, you better get me a script where I get to be ugly and dive into some A-list muff!"

*Nicole Kidman goes winless on the evening, prompting speculation there's a backlash against pasty actresses wearing pixie dresses from Hollywood High School's Fall production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Next year I promise that I'll ingest enough Red Bull to actually make it through the entire ceremony. The smart money's on Cold Mountain taking home the Best Dramatic Picture Globe, as the only place in Hollywood featuring fewer black faces than the Beverly Hilton last night was Anthony Minghella's North Carolina in the Civil War. I've got my fingers crossed--my Globe pool's riding on this one!

I'll tell you what, though...Connelly eventually beat the odds and kept Sofia from the three-peat. Don't worry, folks, I ran the bout five times just to ensure the accuracy of the results.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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