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Tuesday, December 02, 2003

 

A Simple Plan Dept.



AT THE RISK of plunging this space even further into the black hole of Paris Hilton Sex Tapey/Michael Jackson Molesty fun that it's become, the fact that everyone's favorite cellphone-answerin', eye-glowin', reverse-cowgirlin' socialite heiress is back in the public eye mandates additional coverage. Tonight, FOX (all-caps theirs) premieres "The Simple Life," wherein Hilton and gal pal Nicole Richie trade in their platinum cards for milking machines on a farm I presume to be in fly-over country. (Isn't that where we keep the farms these days?)

I haven't seen an advance copy, but that's not going to stop me from blindly offering...

"The Simple Life" Drinking Game -- Preemptive Strike Edition

*Each time a banjo plays to punctuate a pained facial expression by Paris or Nicole at some horrifying facet of country life they have to endure, take one (1) drink.

*Each time one of the girls wears wildly inappropriate couture in the commission of some horrifying bit of animal husbandry they're asked to perform, take one (1) drink per identifiable designer.

*Each time Paris or Nicole makes a disparaging remark about New Jersey in response to some horrifying feature of the small town they're forced to live in, take two (2) drinks.

*Each time someone in your viewing party asks, "Wasn't Lionel Richie black?" when wondering if Nicole's skin tone is the result of interracial parentage or some fabulous bronzing product, take three (3) drinks.

*Each time Nicole Richie dons a long plastic sleeve and inserts her arm up to the shoulder into the birth canal of a farm animal, take three (3) drinks, high five the closest member of your viewing party, and loudly ask, "Who's dancing on the ceiling now, penny lover?"

*Each time a local, adolescent male approaches Paris and makes a sly reference to "makin' our own humpin' tape" and gives the thumbs-up to the camera with a knowing wink, take five (5) drinks because we didn't know about the sex tapes while they were filming the show. Prepare for the release of the "Paris Takes on Five Townies in Flannel" tape. Drinking game to come.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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