Thursday, December 04, 2003
Polynomial Nomenclature: Celebrity Birth Canal Edition
ACCORDING TO THE PERSON to whom a large sum is paid to make strategic denials about their personal lives, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin of Coldplay are having a child together. It may seem that unwed celebrities get pregnant at a greater rate than the general population, but that's only because when one sees a pregnant, single celebrity at the supermarket, one is consumed with thoughts of the newborn's adorable upcoming pics in People and US Weekly, not on the additional burden the offspring will put on an already overtaxed welfare system.
In celebration of another gestating fetus forcing a power couple to acknowledge that their heretofore wink-wink "we're just good friends" relationship did indeed involve one ejaculating into the birth canal of another on at least one occasion, I offer some relief for the cumbersome task of naming famous progeny.
Suggested Names for the Gwyneth/Chris Martin of Coldplay Bastard*
--Gwyneth Paltrow, Jr.
--Christopher Martin of Coldplay, Jr.
--Paris Hilton Paltrow-Martin**
--Anonymous Neverland Litigant #1438 (male baby only)
--Totally Over Ben So The Moody Limey Singer Will Do Paltrow-Martin
--Shakespeare In Utero
--If I Name Her Jennifer Do You Suppose Ben Will Notice Me Martin-Paltrow
--Jaylowe Paltrow I'm Not Taking Any Chances At Ben Not Noticing Martin
[*I acknowledge that the couple in question already may be secretly married or may choose to marry and confer technical legitimacy on the child before its birth next summer. Additionally, everyone knows that talent is diluted as it's passed down, so the best the poor kid can shoot for is a Daytime Emmy or an American Music Award.]
[**So fucking sue me, that bag of sex-tape bones is haunting my dreams!]