Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Paris Is Burning...Well, At Least Part of Her
I GIVE UP. I realize that Paris Hilton has officially annexed this site into her personal multimedia empire. I can only hope that she doesn't choose to downsize me.
In the meantime, enjoy this interview I conducted after my "The Simple Life" viewing party, during which my guests and I played "The Simple Life Drinking Game: Preemptive Strike Edition" and got stinking, Ted-Kennedy-in-the-throes-of-a-Chappaquiddick-flashback drunk.
A Brief Interview with Paris Hilton's Pixelated Ass Crack
Bunsen: Good evening.
Paris Hilton's Pixelated Ass Crack (PHPAC): What's shakin'?
Bunsen: So...how do you feel about your digital annihilation by the Standards and Practices people over at FOX (all-caps theirs)?
PHPAC: I really thought this show was going to be my coming out party. My debutante ball, if you will. I talked Paris into wearing the lowest-riding dungarees in her dungaree-only walk-in closet so that I could get some equal screen time. I went so far as to give all of her thong underwear to Nikki, who spirited it away to her secret hideout that allows her almost complete media anonymity.
Bunsen: And when Nicole and Paris finally arrived at the farm...
PHPAC: I was ready for my close-up. I'd managed to sneak a full five inches above the waistband. Paris climbed out of the truck, then -- Wham! Pixel city, population my vertical smile. Scrambled like the Spice Channel on a basic cable subscription.
Bunsen: I'm assuming the people at FOX didn't warn you this is how it's going to be.
PHPAC: Of course not. I wouldn't have signed on. The Girls Gone Wild people had an offer on the table, but we thought we'd want network exposure.
Bunsen: FOX is hardly a network.
PHPAC: I hear ya. Mistakes were made.
Bunsen: One more thing: that pick-up truck had a functioning reverse gear, didn't it?
PHPAC: I'm pretty sure, but she was sitting on me at the time. I can still smell the vinyl seat.