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Tuesday, December 02, 2003

 

Paris Is Burning...Well, At Least Part of Her



I GIVE UP. I realize that Paris Hilton has officially annexed this site into her personal multimedia empire. I can only hope that she doesn't choose to downsize me.

In the meantime, enjoy this interview I conducted after my "The Simple Life" viewing party, during which my guests and I played "The Simple Life Drinking Game: Preemptive Strike Edition" and got stinking, Ted-Kennedy-in-the-throes-of-a-Chappaquiddick-flashback drunk.

A Brief Interview with Paris Hilton's Pixelated Ass Crack

Bunsen: Good evening.

Paris Hilton's Pixelated Ass Crack (PHPAC): What's shakin'?

Bunsen: So...how do you feel about your digital annihilation by the Standards and Practices people over at FOX (all-caps theirs)?

PHPAC: I really thought this show was going to be my coming out party. My debutante ball, if you will. I talked Paris into wearing the lowest-riding dungarees in her dungaree-only walk-in closet so that I could get some equal screen time. I went so far as to give all of her thong underwear to Nikki, who spirited it away to her secret hideout that allows her almost complete media anonymity.

Bunsen: And when Nicole and Paris finally arrived at the farm...

PHPAC: I was ready for my close-up. I'd managed to sneak a full five inches above the waistband. Paris climbed out of the truck, then -- Wham! Pixel city, population my vertical smile. Scrambled like the Spice Channel on a basic cable subscription.

Bunsen: I'm assuming the people at FOX didn't warn you this is how it's going to be.

PHPAC: Of course not. I wouldn't have signed on. The Girls Gone Wild people had an offer on the table, but we thought we'd want network exposure.

Bunsen: FOX is hardly a network.

PHPAC: I hear ya. Mistakes were made.

Bunsen: One more thing: that pick-up truck had a functioning reverse gear, didn't it?

PHPAC: I'm pretty sure, but she was sitting on me at the time. I can still smell the vinyl seat.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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