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Tuesday, November 04, 2003

 

Reaganomics



When CBS decided today to bend to neoconservative pressure and not air the controversial miniseries about Ronald Reagan, the greatest United States President of the 1980's, disbelieving spoons clattered down next to tapioca puddings in retirement homes across the nation. I feel that it is my duty to inform the public about the most shocking scenes of the sainted Reagan Presidency that we might never get to see.


The Totally Most Shockingest Things Dramatized in the CBS Ronald Reagan Miniseries

--The President and Donald Regan, Reagan's Treasury Secretary and later Chief of Staff, exchanging misdelivered pieces of interoffice mail -- leading up to a climactic scene where a gift-wrapped Nancy, reclining in a giant chocolate eclair, is misdelivered to Donald's office.

--Reagan often loudly and derisively calling Mikhail Gorbachev "that splotchy-head, glasnosty scumbag"

--The Cabinet referring to the President's occasional incontinence problems as "trickle-down economics"

--A dream sequence reveals Reagan fantasized about gaining biblical knowledge of Mary Magdalene as a coping mechanism for Nancy's canoodling with Frank Sinatra in the Lincoln Bedroom

--Reagan has an anxiety attack after he inadvertently knocks over his omnipresent jar of jelly beans, thus allowing Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger's thought rays to penetrate the Oval Office walls; a nuclear bombing of South Dakota is only avoided when a "trickle-down" episode delays Reagan's recitations of ICBM launch codes

--A compassionate Reagan donates 13 electoral votes to Walter Mondale for "sticking with that tomato" Geraldine Ferraro in the 1984 election

--An overburdened Reagan delegates important economic policy decisions to a Teddy Ruxpin playing a tape of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears"




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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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