Friday, November 14, 2003
One More Time, With Feeling, in Barely Adequate Night-Vision
I'd barely finished squinting through my thirtieth consecutive viewing of the Paris Hilton sex tape when word on the dirty boulevard that is the internet came down that yet another Paris Hilton sex tape is circulating. This time Paris, former Playmate Nicole Lenz, and I-hardly-remember-him-as-an-MTV-VJ/now-you're-telling-me-he's-an-actor-too? Simon Rex are featured joining in tripartite sexual congress, activities otherwise known by the technical term "three-way."
Inevitably and regrettably, all of the hubbub surrounding the hotel heiress and her appetite for videotaped coitus will soon reach the computer screens of America's classrooms, language labs, and lightly-supervised, unstructured after-school programs. And it's our responsibility as caretakers to equip the young with the knowledge they need to navigate this tricky time.
To that end, please distribue the following information immediately.
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Paris Hilton Sex Video
1. Start from the Beginning
Explain to your children that when two adults love each other very much, they need a special way to express that love. This explanation need not involve a graphic description of how exactly adults go about expressing their love. But it is important to tell them that when the two people that love each other are a party-girl heiress socialite with an upcoming reality television show and a guy who's been burned by a short-lived marriage to a sexually voracious celebrity who coincidentally also had ties to FOX, sometimes you need to capture that expression of love on video and leak it to the public so that people will know there's nothing wrong with your manhood, okay? If your child is particularly precocious, you may choose to inform him of the merits of bringing a lawsuit against the other participant to make it look as if you didn't pass anything to Page Six or TheSmokingGun.com.
2. Patiently Answer Their Questions
Expect that children are going to have a lot of questions; the period after watching the video is a very confusing time. Matter-of-factly answer their queries about why Rick is leaning against some pillows and rubbing himself while Paris is catting around on the edge of the bed (a guy needs some time to recover when he's going all night), whether it's OK to answer a cellphone call when you're about to be taken from behind (it's not, it kills the mood if it's your parents calling), and why you might leave the television on in the background while taping (watching Ralph and Norton always helps you go longer, get off my back already). Children will appreciate your honesty and patience with their curiosity.
3. Prepare Them for the Future, When You Might Not Be Around
Let's face it, you can't be everywhere with your children to shield them from the realities of modern life. It's better to arm kids with knowledge so that they can make informed decision when you're not there. All of this attention for the Paris tape is going to lead to a flood of sex tapes of other celebrities trying to get their names back onto the public's lips. Let them know which tapes are worth their time -- Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman, yes; Billy Baldwin and the overly-muscular chick with the hyper-thyroidic eyes from "Paradise Hotel," take a pass.
And when it's time for your kids to engage in a little healthy experimentation in front of the camera, let them know that a bed bathed in the gentle, warm glow of candles is cinematographically more desirable than a grainy, green, night-vision effect. They'll want their tapes to look more like an Adrian Lyne film than a Gulf War smart-bomb video. And don't micromanage on the subject of positions. Your guidance is important, but there are some things that are better left to trial and error.