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Tuesday, October 07, 2003

 

Tragedy Has Two German Daddies



My referrer logs* have informed me that Google thinks this site is one of the leading sources for information on the Siegfried and Roy tiger-mauling tragedy. I haven't written about it other than an oblique (really, is they any other kind?) to it yesterday.

Since the tiger-mauling tragedy is still unfolding, I feel it's irresponsible to provide further information at this time. Tiger-mauling is a tricky business, very touch-and-go, and I would never try to influence Google's ranking algorithm by using that term repeatedly, especially by including the word "video" to attract gawkers who are too lazy to rewind their "Faces of Death' tapes.

This high-profile tragedy has overshadowed other tragic, animal-star related tragedies, shoving them into the recesses of our collective unconscious in the reflected gleam of Vegas sequins. Let us not forget:

--Grizzly Adams was sodomized by Gentle Ben during a three-legged race in a 1979 edition of Battle of the Network Stars

--The fourth Lassie (who turned out to be a feral collie from a local shelter substituted during a salary holdout) nipped Timmy on the scrotum (which resulted in a profound self-image problem in the dark days when prosthetic testicles were crudely fashioned from pine cones; leeches were also involved)

--Emmanuel Lewis was carried off by a hawk early in the second season of Webster, unharmed thanks to the heroic sharpshooting of Alex Karras

--A "Steamboat Willie"-era Mickey Mouse was swallowed whole by a cartoon lion, but vomited out fully intact. Unfortunately, Mickey contracted a rare circulatory diseased that shriveled his limbs and swelled his hands to triple their normal size.

--On the set of "Conan the Destroyer," Arnold Schwarzenegger cupped twelve engorged teats of a sow, calling it "Good, clean fun on the set that I somewhat regret"


[* Bunsen broadband update: Today's post originates from a Sunset Boulevard Starbucks, where I had to fake a seizure to obtain their WiFi password. I may or may not have claimed to contract the "falling sickness" from some turned cream in my latte.]



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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