Thursday, October 09, 2003
Thursday's Post Dept.
Excerpt from the diary of a celebrity-obsessed, egomaniacal semiautobiographical nonblogger trapped in Day 6 of The Great Los Angeles Broadband Blackout:
10/09/03: It's official. I've devolved into savagery, my id less unchecked that it is under normal circumstances. Have you heard about this Governor thing? I didn't until moments ago, right after I finished defecating into a three-week old copy of Entertainment Weekly, my only news source since the Blackout. I knew I became a savage at that moment, looking into the feces-streaked eyes of Gwyneth Paltrow, moments after biting my door-answering girl on the leg. I imagined the leg would be fatty and delicious since my abbreviated publishing schedule has led to fewer guests at the new Hollywood compound, and she's been lazing about. But I couldn't bring myself to break the skin. My last pang of superego aroused her, and we coupled over and over again under the flickering light of my computer workstation, the blank, white screen of my web browser taunting me with a reminder that I had no broadband. The white screen, the white screen. A polar bear in a blizzard? An albino lost in a cotton factory? The release was unfulfilling.
I've tried reading the acoustic version of the New York Times. No sooner do my eyes wander below the fold than I tear the pulp and newsprint salad with my teeth, lashing out at stale, day-old news.
This is my Inferno. I can count the pitchfork prongs jamming into in my haunch, see the beady eyes of disgraced Adelphia* chairman John Rigas licked with hellflame. He's laughing, whispering under his breath, "Can I interest you in a nice AOL account?" He throws his head back and bellows, "Have you heard that Winona Ryder was caught canoodling with Jack White this morning? No? BWAAAAAA HA HA HA!"
Not even four more soulless rounds with the door-answering girl can purge his laugh from my ears.
Maybe it's time to check into DSL availability. But I'm putting the phoneline to autoerotic use. I've found last month's issue of Vanity Fair.