Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Stop Me Before I List Again...Too Late
Forbes magazine has just released its list of the ten healthiest sports. I won't keep you in suspense, squash topped the list. I could've told you that without the nagging egghead magazine journalism; the results of my weekly bloodsport squash round-robin tournament with Harvey Weinstein (solid rock underneath a deceptive flabby coating) and Dodi Al-Fayed (a devastating backhand unhampered by several pounds of gold jewelry) were Hollywood water-cooler staples for years (when Dodi dropped out for personal reasons, he was replaced by tragically miscast Dennis Miller, whose digressive and insistent play-by-play of our matches drove me from the courts like Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce over the Plains.) Rounding out the top ten were rowing, rock climbing, swimming, cross-country skiing, basketball, cycling, running, modern pentathlon, and boxing. I possess amusing-yet-improbable anecdotes involving celebrities for all of these sports, which I will refrain from disclosing due to space concerns. But I will tantalize you with the tableau of Mickey Rourke, Strom Thurmond, and yours truly scaling a rock-climbing wall in turn-of-the-century drag at Steven Spielberg's ranch outside of Malibu as I anticlimactically introduce the obligatory...
...list of the Ten Unhealthiest Sports*:
10. Prison Football League toe-touching
9. Caddying for Bob Hope moments before his expiration
7. Ride the Crossover Internet Celebrity Writer
6. Trying to stop Kobe Bryant from "taking it to the hole"
5. NFL combine two-a-day induced sunstroke/dehydration drills
3. The West Hollywood Sauna Narcoleptic Homophobe Games
2. Simpson spousal knife-catching (league disbanded 1995, joke found on back of Batman Forever movie ticket stub)
1. NBA millionaire bastard-siring with inadequate legal representation
[*or activities where it suits my list-compiling purposes.]