Wednesday, October 29, 2003
The List that Burns
Southern California is burning.
But you already knew that. Odds are it's some sort of divine retribution for Scary Movie 3's historic opening, Madonna's children's book, or Oprah declaring Mike Myers a genius.
How to Tell that You May Be a Victim of Southern California's Wildfires
--You are in Washington, DC, begging for disaster relief aid, but yet still preoccupied with the disturbing, harsh right angles of your wife's face.
--Your local news truck is charred by the roadside, preventing you from establishing the satellite feed of the water-skiing squirrel doing his thing on a lake of flame.
--The burning sensation that is usually confined to the space between your cartoon mouse pants and your flesh is now most definitely originating from the bonfire on the exterior of your cartoon mouse pants.
--Your favorite coke mirror is caked in ash, and you really fucking hate having to wipe the fucking thing off every damn morning before you can get your fucking day started.
--The triple-reinforced earthquake stilts on your house have become $2.5 million tiki torches.
--As you cower in your fireproof storm cellar you realize that Brad Pitt really is a shitty actor and perhaps you shouldn't have committed 18 mil plus gross points for his portrayal of a man with no face whose shirt stays on for the entire picture.
--You wonder why Dr. Phil is wearing a funny hat and raincoat and continually gesturing to a burning tree with an axe. Also, he has apparently shaved his moustache and lost fifty pounds.