Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Some Colons Were Left Over From Tuesday
It seems that President Bush's plea to the United Nations to send troops and cash to Iraq failed to knock the collective hose from around the ankles of the world's diplomats. The speech was received by a mostly silent General Assembly, many of whom opposed the United States' application of Total Fucking Victory across Mesopotamia.
Luckily, several diplomats agreed to share their thoughts on Bush's speech with me in return for Catherine Zeta-Jones' cellphone number and semi-anonymity. (Catherine, if you're reading this, please don't be alarmed if you receive several calls where someone breathily ululates and then hangs up. It's probably the guy from Turkey, who says he saw Entrapment over five thousand times. He's harmless, I promise. Just ask Sharon Stone.)
The diplomats speak:
The gentleman from France: "We strenuously opposed this military incursion from the start. The United States may have seized the role of the world's singular hyperpower, but France retains its title as Ineffectual Bidet Squatters. But it looks like the cold jet of water is shooting up the American hindquarters now, no?"
The gentleman from Germany: "I'm not entirely sure that your President is proficient in the German tongue or even conversational in English, but he is certainly fluent in Inarticulate Moron Begging for Help."
The gentlemen from Turkey: "President Bush can depend on the full cooperation of our country. U.S.-Turkish relations have been warm and productive ever since we sent him a case of 'them little red hats with the tassels' in exchange for ten billion dollars in American aid, following a hilarious argument in which he tried to convince us a fez was the fancy waterpipe for smoking hash."
The gentlemen from Chad: "We found Bush's remarks heartfelt and will send a small peacekeeping force to Iraq, but are slightly annoyed at his constant insistence that we rename our nation 'Big Roy.' "
The gentleman from Iraq, now vacationing on the French Riviera: "The Son of the Elder Bush Devil neglected to mention the state of the Presidential Palace. I'm going to need to give lots of advance warning to the stone masons if the marble in the foyer has been damaged by the American Army's Slip n' Slide tournament."
California Recall Election Candidate Cruz M. Bustamante: "Now that the recall vote is back on, I promise that if, God forbid, the recall is not defeated at the polls and I am elected as Governor of the Great State of California, I will dispatch the shriveled testicles of a certain Austrian-born Republican candidate to the front lines of Baghdad as a warning to all that might oppose direct democracy. And I'll have Gary Coleman killed just because he freaks my shit out"