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Thursday, September 04, 2003

 

Sacrifice Dept.



Page Six reported that celebrity members of the Church Scientology must sign agreements giving up many of their rights in order to advance to high levels within the organization's hierarchy.

Below, please find a list detailing the sacrifices of freedom made by true-believing Scientology superstars that is sure to result in my Hollywood compound being circled by black vans filled with L. Ron Hubbard's "public relations officers."

John Travolta: Willingly surrendered rights to appear in movies that are not total pieces of shit in which he portrays a maverick cop/career military man who plays by his own wild-boy rules. Upon joining the Church and enjoying several career resurrections, agreed to have normal-sized Vinnie Barbarino/"Saturday Night Fever" era head replaced with bloated noggin selected from the recent signature Jerry Lewis line. Upon his death, Travolta agrees to surrender giant head to Scientology officials, who will repurpose it as a sweat lodge for new recruits.

Tom Cruise: Gave up right to complain about how Nicole Kidman would demand that he talk dirty to her in Australian accent and pretend his name was "Russell, Sex Gladiator," or how she'd demand that the pool boy only be allowed to visit while she was present. Church lawyers also arranged for Nicole to retain pool boy's custody after divorce.

Nicole Kidman: Surrendered right to not marry box-office star of indeterminate sexuality to boost her career. It is completely coincidental that this item follows the previous item and no conclusions should be drawn from its placement behind the aforementioned item.

Lisa-Marie Presley: Submitted to having false memories of sexual relationship with Michael Jackson projected into her subconscious, which would be immediately activated should she ever choose to leave the Church.

Beck: Not allowed to leave his house without receiving express written permission from Isaac Hayes.

Kirstie Alley: Forced to devour Delta Burke at a gala thrown at the Church's Hollywood Celebrity Centre, not allowed to vomit her up after the banquet.




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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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