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Friday, September 26, 2003

 

Must See: The Bunsen Version



What's all the "Coupling" fuss about?


INT. WOMEN'S RESTROOM

[STEVEN, 32ish and handsome, is crammed into a stall with JANE, 32ish and sexy. Things are getting hot and heavy.]

JANE: So, do you have, um, a...you know?

STEVEN: You mean a latex barrier that I may ejaculate into to prevent you from conceiving?

JANE: Uh, yeah. One of those.

STEVEN: No, I have to go look for one!

[Steven steps out of the stall and into the bathroom. SUSAN, 32ish and sexy, is waiting there.]

SUSAN: This is the ladies' room and you quite clearly have a penis. A large one.

STEVEN: Thanks, I left the smaller one in my other pants. Oh yeah, I'm trying to put my penis in the woman who's hiding in that stall, do you have a form-fitted piece of latex that I might ejaculate into so that she doesn't conceive?

SUSAN: I'm fresh out, but if you wait a minute, I can fish out my diaphragm.

STEVEN: I know there's some wonderful sexual tension between us even though I'm trying to copulate with that woman in the stall, but would you be a dear?

SUSAN: Sure.

[Steven steps back into the stall, where Jane is holding a STRAP-ON DILDO.]

STEVEN: I found a woman who wasn't upset that I was a man using the ladies' room, or upset that I'm about to have sex with you in this stall despite the fact that there was sexual tension between us. And she agreed to give us her diaphragm, which while not the latex barrier I was looking for, is also an acceptable prophylactic. (Noticing strap-on dildo) Whoa! I'm pretending I don't know what that is!

JANE: I found a solution that will also prevent me from conceiving in this stall.

STEVEN: Hold on a second.

[Steven steps out of the stall, where Susan has retrieved her diaphragm.]

STEVEN: Thank God.

SUSAN: Here you go, but after you're done, can we make an appointment to have sex at a later date?

STEVEN: Here's the funny thing. The woman in that stall has turned the sexual tables on me and now wants to sodomize me with a strap-on dildo.

SUSAN: I hope you pretended not to know what that is.

STEVEN: Of course I did. Are you going to find my masculinity compromised if I let her penetrate me anally with the strap-on dildo?

SUSAN: It's another complication, but I think we can still awkwardly arrange for our sexual appointment in spite of it.
I may sarcastically suggest a date in which you don't have to sit down.

STEVEN: Very good. [A beat.] Did you hear that?

SUSAN: It sounds like someone has a drinking glass pressed to the door to eavesdrop.

[Steven pulls open the door to the ladies' room. CHANDLER, 32ish and somewhat handsome, and JOEY, 32ish and handsome, spill onto the ladies' room floor. They are holding drinking glasses to their ears.]

CHANDLER: Could we be any more in the wrong bathroom?

JOEY: Dude, we're totally busted listening in on this complicated sexual transaction.

STEVEN: She's holding a used diaphragm because I was looking for piece of latex to ejaculate into so that I wouldn't impregnate the woman in the stall, who now wants to sodomize me with a strap-on dildo.

JOEY: Whoa.

CHANDLER: Joey, you knew that. Could we have been more eavesdropping with drinking glasses pressed up to the door?

JOEY: I forgot about the dildo thing. It's so like a huge complication. [to Steve] How do feel about your masculinity like, totally being compromised by that dildo?

STEVEN: I don't know, I'm struggling with the cultural taboo while still trying to maintain the sexual chemistry with Susan here, whom I hope to join in an act of sexual congress despite whatever happens in that stall.

SUSAN: It's a delicate situation. [Handing the diaphragm to Steve.] Now go in there and make a choice.

JANE: [calling from inside the stall] What's taking so long out there? Are you worried about the strap-on dildo compromising your masculinity?

STEVEN: Is that what that thing is? I'm pretending I don't know! [to Chandler, Joey, and Susan] OK, I'm going in there. I expect that you'll press drinking glasses up to the stall to hear how all of this plays out.

CHANDLER: We won't let you down.

JOEY: And don't worry, we'll look all guilty when someone walks into the ladies' room and wonders why we're pressing drinking glasses up to the stall door to eavesdrop. I'll tell them we're bathroom stall inspectors, but they'll know you're in there weighing your sexual options against the stigma of being sodomized with the strap-on dildo.

SUSAN: [calling from inside the stall] I'm waaaaaiting!

STEVEN: I'm going in.

SUSAN: It certainly seems something is going in somewhere.

[Steven enters the stall. Chandler passes out drinking glasses to Joey and Susan, which they all press up against the stall door for eavesdropping purposes.]

JOEY: This is gonna be great!

[LUCY, 32ish and somewhat sexy, and RICKY, 32ish and darkly handsome, enter the ladies' room.]

RICKY: Babaloo! What are these people doing in the ladies' room?!

LUCY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

RICKY: I really wish I'd sprung for a proper lobotomy. That noise you make is really unsettling.

CHANDLER: We're so going to have to wait until next week to find out what flimsy explanation we're going to tell you for why we're eavesdropping on the sexual transaction taking place inside that stall.

LUCY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

STEVEN: [calling from inside stall] WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

CHANDLER: Or maybe not.

[ROLL END CREDITS.]




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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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