Thursday, August 21, 2003
Whatever, Next Dept.
No matter how many times I refuse to return their phone calls and callously toss aside their fly-away subscription cards, the folks at Vanity Fair find me. Once again they demand that I provide them with the ultimate guide to what's So Done, "It's" that we're over, and whatever's marching down the pipe, screaming until it captures our attention.
The following is a preview of what Vanity Fair managed to beat out of me, thus changing the course of pop-culture and world events in the coming weeks.
SO DONE: California Recall Election
OVER IT: Schwarzenegger Candidacy
WHATEVER, NEXT: Lou Ferrigno solves CA budget crisis by selling miracle "Ab Pulverizer"
SO DONE: R. Kelly
OVER IT: Kobe
WHATEVER, NEXT: Bob Hope's floating-in-a-jar-of-formaldehyde brain forces itself on the Olsen twins on the night before they're legal
SO DONE: Everybody Loves Raymond actor sick-outs
OVER IT: New Man Show juggies controversies
WHATEVER, NEXT: Matthew Perry threatens to deflate Jennifer Aniston's breasts with a BB gun if someone doesn't get him a BLT with turkey bacon right this second
SO DONE: Extreme Makeover
OVER IT: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
WHATEVER, NEXT: Diana Ross' Maxillofacial Reconstruction and Strap-On Spectacular
SO DONE: Gigli
OVER IT: Uptown Girls
WHATEVER, NEXT: a $200 million still photograph of Ashton Kutcher and Will Smith high-fiving
SO DONE: Suicide Bombings
OVER IT: Liberian Peacekeeping
WHATEVER, NEXT: U.S. uses Canada as organ-farm
SO DONE: Uday and Qusay killed
OVER IT: Chemical Ali captured
WHATEVER, NEXT: Saddam Hussein gets painful sunburn on Bali beach
SO DONE: Garage Rock
OVER IT: Electroclash
WHATEVER, NEXT: Semi-ironic Pots, Pans, and Jugs Bands
SO DONE: Celebrity-obsessed, egomaniacal semiautobiographical nonblogging
OVER IT: Winking, celebrity-obsessed, egomaniacal, semiautobiographical nonblogging
WHATEVER, NEXT: Masturbating to a picture of Jennifer Connelly and what's-his-name, with a picture of a certain celebrity-obsessed, egomaniacal, semiautobiographical nonblogger's head sloppily taped over what's-his-name's face