Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Welcome to My World!
Given that I consider myself completely above dirtying my hands with the nonsense that is politics in California, I have only this to say about Wednesday's announcement that Arnold Schwarzeneggar will run on the Republican ticket in the recall election before I plug my ears and hum until it's all over:
I predict that Carl Weathers will complete the unstoppable Predator Political Mandate by being named the next Secretary of State.
So at the risk of ignoring current events and indulging a passion that is so hopelessly over, passť, and generally pissed upon by the vanguard of Hipster Nation (really, what's next, a piece on trucker hats or camoflauge cargo/capri pants with heels? Trucker hats are so over that no one in LA is even wearing them), here is my autoreply message to those joining my Friendster network:
Hello, new Friendster!
Welcome to the greatest and most important personal network in the Friendster galaxy!
Due to the enormous time demands of my jetsetting lifestyle, it is quite unlikely that I will never meet you in person. (That blow doesn't throw itself up my nose!) So here are a few things you may need to know to make the most of your Bunsen Friendster experience:
*Other people's Friends lists are clogged with fake celebrities. Bunsen's Friends list contains only certifiably true celebrity profiles. When you see Harrison Ford's smiling, weather-beaten face in Bunsen's network, you'll know that he actually enjoys naked Whack-a-Mole tournaments -- it's not just the invention of some snarky hipster!
*If you are female and your bustline has not been surgically enhanced to the specifications of any Los Angeles talent agency, perhaps we can show you something in a nice Match.com profile. You may not feel this is a necessary procedure in rural Kansas, but I assure you, it's necessary in Bunsen's Personal Network.
*If you are male and do not control access to needy, sexually-liberated aspiring actress types, or if you don't have the authority to greenlight six-figure screenplay assignments, are you hitting on me? My casting couch days are over, which were made even more painful and pathetic by the fact that I am a writer.
*Yes, all the photos are unretouched representations of me. And no, I don't particularly remember the circumstances that led me to be in a bubble bath with Robert DeNiro and a drag queen in a Big Bird costume, but it's pretty flattering picture nonetheless -- and that's not easy with my Roman profile.
Again, thanks for joining my Friendster Network! I'll see you at the Rapture, when only those within four degrees of Bunsen will be saved!