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Thursday, August 14, 2003

 

The Return of the King Dept.




The Bunsen e-mail bag overfloweth.

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From: "Charles Taylor" [exileinguyville-nigeria@hotmail.com]
To: "Bunsen" [lovemail@bunsen.tv]

Dear Old Friend,

By now you have doubtless heard that I have finally left my home of Liberia and my post as President to cast myself into exile to end the civil war in my beautiful homeland. My Nigerian brothers have given me the safe haven of asylum (you should really visit the Lagos Four Seasons, it's really something), but some are demanding that I answer for what they consider my "war crimes."

I'm considering turning myself over to answer these spurious charges, but not before I have answers for a few questions of my own.

Such as, what kind of genocidal madmen decided to give Roseanne and Whoopi Goldberg new television shows? Has the world itself not spoken with one voice that their services in rendering entertainment are no longer needed? Is Roseanne's indication that she would like to once again be referred to by the name "Roseanne Barr" not proof enough that the people should not be subjected to a new offering from her, much less a work of "reality TV" where cameras capture her notorious behind-the-scenes tirades?

Is it not apparent that if I were guilty of the spurious allegations of pressing children into military service, I certainly would not invite a camera crew to document a gift for Amnesty International, that cabal of liars?

Can we not agree that enduring just one more minute of Whoopi's dreadlocks flailing as she pretends to be a fifteen year old "Valley Girl" is an evil born from the same devil that would amputate the limbs of his enemies or rape their women?

Until these questions are answered to my satisfaction, I will bide my time in the barely humanitarian conditions afforded by the heart-shaped hot tub I am having a soak in.

Yours in peace,
Charles Taylor

PS--I kept my word and left Liberia after deciding that the Liz Phair album is a crass grab at the commercial success that has mostly eluded her in her career.

PPS--And I haven't yet come to a decision on declaring my candidacy for the California recall election. I do know that I desire to possess Arianna Huffington carnally and take her as my bride-in-exile.



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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