Monday, August 25, 2003
Mondays are for Lovers
The "dog days" of summer have set in, and this weekend they officially humped the living shit out of the leg of Hollywood's box office.
But the fact that audiences stayed away from the multiplex in proverbial droves won't stop me from revealing the secrets behind this weekend's box office results.
No. 1: "Freddy vs. Jason"
The Big Secrets: Horror boogeyman super-project actually started as buddy cop action-comedy starring Fred "Rerun" Berry and Jason Bateman (reprising his role as "Teen Wolf, Too"). The film's second week at the top of the box office has led to the development of a slew of other "Vs." movies:
--"Eddie Murphy vs. The First Ten Years of His Career"
--"Ashton's Quick Trigger vs. Demi's Osteoporosis"
--"The Tip of Bunsen's Manhood vs. The Back of Anna Kournikova's Throat"
--"Bunsen vs. Celebrity Cease-and-Desist Letters"
--"References to Lame, Kitsch-value 80's Sitcom Stars in a Buddy Cop Movie vs. Actually Being Funny"
No. 2: "S.W.A.T."
The Big Secrets: Irish wild boy Colin Farrell's sexual conquests of the cast and crew ended only after a drunken escapade in which he mistook the craft service table for Michelle Rodriguez in a Carmen Miranda fruit hat... Interestingly, Farrell can now only achieve erection inside of a phone booth... Samuel L. Jackson collects pewter spoons commemorating the 50 states -- which he uses to kill drifters in his down time between scenes.
No. 3: "Open Range"
The Big Secrets: Costner begged the studio to allow him to make a Western about a gunslinging postman. The studio balked, but Costner relented when they worked out a deal with the USPS to allow the star to hand-deliver two million letters to Santa Claus this holiday season... I have not ridden a horse since a horrible dude ranch accident that left me feeling physically inadequate, even though I understand intellectually that I shouldn't be comparing myself to enormous animals.
No. 4: "Freaky Friday"
The Big Secrets: The latest body-swapping movie is having trouble escaping the huge shadow cast by the Fred Savage/Judge Reinhold classic "Vice Versa"... I'm still wondering when I missed the movie where Jamie Lee Curtis switched bodies with a saggy, middle-aged housewife... There would be a bit where I list other "body-swapping" movies in development, but I think the "vs." list above pretty much put that one to bed, and I will spare you a joke in which I suggest a movie in which I switch bodies with Jennifer Connelly and then sit around looking at myself naked in the mirror all day.
No. 5: "The Medallion"
The Big Secrets: I've never even heard of this latest Jackie Chan release, but it's apparent that the American heartland can't get enough of a Chinese with limited grasp of the English language wreaking some comedic chop-socky havoc... Chan is famous for his Elvis impression; rival newcomer Jet-Li is renowned for his gallery of vintage, erotic Liberace photography.
And at the bottom of the list...
No. 10: "My Boss's Daughter"
The Big Secrets: Constant on-set battles over proper possessive punctuation rules for the word "Boss's" between Ashton Kutcher and New York Times language guru William Safire... Boozy ingenue Tara Reid promised not to vomit up her daily pitcher of Sex on the Beach cocktails until the wrap party, a vow she dutifully kept for the first two days of shooting... The long-shelved movie was originally intended to be the first "straight to the back page of a Hello Kitty diary" release.
No number: "Marci X"
The Big Secret: Lisa Kudrow, as a member of the cast of "Friends," is not funny... Took in less on a per-screen average than a Santa Monica Boulevard gay porn theater jizzmopper (and not in one of the classy places, either).