Tuesday, August 05, 2003
My relative silence on the Kobe Bryant matter has stunned the Internet.
My deafening neglect of the Madonna Gap ads has destabilized the governments of seven West African nations, and maybe caused some minor discomfort in the Middle East, where the residents' only respite from turmoil is a daily visit to this site.
In the interest of satisfying Kobe rubberneckers and fans of the Material Menopausal Female alike, I am forced to conjecture how the world might be different if the two stars' situations were reversed. [The word reversed is rendered in italics just so you can get an instant, visceral representation of just how mind-warping this conceit actually is.]
If Madonna and Kobe switched places...
...Guy Ritchie would look awfully metrosexual in that gaudy $4 million diamond ring.
...Madonna would average a meager 4.5 points per game amid the distractions of the rape trial controversy raging around her. New Lakers Gary Payton and Karl Malone grumble about having to pick up the slack, wondering why they ever chose to come to Los Angeles.
...the fact that Gigli has largely made people forget the disastrous Swept Away would be cold comfort for the fact she might be spending the rest of her life in jail.
...the public would find it hard to believe that the clean-cut nice guy in the sharp khakis and crisp, white Oxford might have forced himself on the likes of Missy Elliot.
...Nike would be forced to release new line of basketball sneakers with six-inch stiletto heels and covered with pink rhinestones.
...Kobe's simulated fellating of an Evian bottle would make the cover of Sports Illustrated with the caption, "Is the NBA ready for homosexuals?"
...Warren Beatty would be thrown into an existential sexual-identity crisis in which he wonders how it was possible Kobe slipped by him into his pantheon of conquests.
...Madonna's impromptu performance of "Like a Virgin" in the Eagle, Colorado town square would universally be considered in bad taste.
...Larry Flynt offers $15 million for the rights to the Madonna rape trial story, hiring Jenna Jameson and Courtney Love for recreation scenes.
...Guy Ritchie would make a crappy movie in which a bunch of gangster wannabes with impenetrable Cockney accents sail through the air in slow motion as they try to avoid a hail of Kobe's unwanted seed during a heist gone wrong.