Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Easy Like Sunday Morning Dept.
My inbox has been flooded with breathless requests for me to creatively ridicule this weekend's box-office failure of Gigli. It's never been the practice of this writer or this site to kick a $50 million dollar debacle while it's down, or to "creatively ridicule" anything. It's just so much easier to just list...
Several Things Slightly Easier to Do Than "Creatively Ridiculing" the Ill-Conceived J.Lo/Affleck Star Vehicle Gigli:
--Speculating that the $3.8 million dollars Gigli earned at the box office came from the purchase of two $1.9 million tickets bought by Ben and Jen
--Comparing critically panning Gigli to shooting retarded fish in a very small barrel
--Making a joke about the movie's improbable sequel that ends with the words "Gigli 2: Electric Boogaloo"
--Nonsensically noting that the plot for Gigli was stolen entirely from Richard Simmons' Deal-a-Meal cards
--Helpfully noting that the difficult-to-pronounce Gigli rhymes with "cinematic ass rape"
--Digressively commenting that Kobe Bryant's weekend appearance at the Teen Choice Awards "writes its own punchline," then going on to note that former Teen Choice honorees included R. Kelly, Roman Polanski, and Jerry Lee Lewis (to cover all my demographic bases) and that next year's guests will include the guy that zaps the Olsen Twins at the stroke of midnight on their 18th birthday and that man's name very well could end in --ffleck, a speculation that makes this list entry once again relevant to the topic at hand
--Suggesting that perhaps Gigli's box office fortunes could have been improved if Ben Affleck put his penis into a pastry and simulated copulation, then noting that Jennifer Lopez's vagina does not constitute a pastry
--Opining that worse movies than Gigli have been filmed, but those almost invariably involve fat women in bikinis sitting on balloons until they pop