The Greatest Blog In the World

Thursday, July 31, 2003

 

You Will See Two Dashes Followed by an Item, and Then a Line Break, Repeated Until There Are No More Ideas. This is Not a List.



I have not seen Gigli yet, so it may seem somewhat unfair to attack it in this space. To those who may think what I'm about to do is unfair, I ask you this: do you need to step in a steaming turd on the sidewalk to know that it's going to be a bitch to get out of the treads of your new sneakers?

Things that Ben Affleck can do to save his reputation in the wake of Gigli's savaging by critics and surefire impending box office demise:

--Age about 70 years overnight and immediately die

--Dump J-Lo and quickly step in to fill the uxorial void created by David Gest splitting from Liza, using excuse "I could still taste P. Diddy on her."

--Enter a polyamorous relationship with Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore* and accompany them, her children with the stupid, pretentious names, and Bruce Willis to movie premieres

--Sodomize Matt Damon on Pay-Per-View

--Just keep on bein' Affleck, man, keep on bein' Affleck

--Get George W. Bush to strenuously assert that he advised Ben, based on "pretty darn good" intel, that Gigli would not be the worst movie ever made

--Have Marlon Brando finger-blasting a squirrel digitally inserted into the soon-to-be-infamous scene where J-Lo compares her female genitalia to a turkey

--Write a list

[*Due to a stack overflow error in my Unfunny Writing Bot, the old version of this particular list item did not make sense because of a pronoun/antecedent mismatch. I hate it when that happens. Thanks to the diligent reader who pointed this out, whom I must now entreat to go fuck himself. Are you perfect? Are you? I happen to know that you are not, but the only person that is perfect is God, and he really isn't a person. He is a Supreme Being that is trying his damndest to keep me from my rightful, richer-than-Bill-Gates, married-to-Jennifer-Connelly-after-she-puts-her-kid-up-for-adoption place in the world.]



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This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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