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Friday, July 25, 2003

 

Who are All These People in My Upscale Taqueria?



Inexplicable, swift-acting, quickly-dispersing mobs are forming everywhere. Los Angeles, torchbearer/force-feeder of world culture, will not be left out.

The Mob Project: Los Angeles

Date: Fri, 24 Jul 2003 09:16:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: The Mob Project
To: lamobproject@yahoo.com
Subject: LA MOB #1

You are invited to take part in MOB, the project that creates an inexplicable mob of people in Los Angles
for ten minutes or less, traffic permitting. Please forward this to other people you know who might like to join, unless they are Scientologists. They have their own Mob Project.

INSTRUCTIONS - LA MOB #1
Start time: Monday, July 28th, sometime after 7:15pm
Duration: 10 minutes or less

(1) At some point during the day on July 28th, synchronize your watch to the box office gross of the number three movie on Daily Variety's chart. Use "army time" calculations.

(2) By 6:55 PM, based on the following criteria, please situate yourselves in the bars below. Buy a
drink and act casual. NOTE: if you are attending the MOB with friends, you may all meet in the same bar, so
long as at least one of you has current SAG/AFTRA, WGA, or DGA membership.

If your last project had less than a thirty-five percent falloff in its second week of release, meet at the maitre'd stand at Spago's Beverly Hills.

If your latest screen credit included "guest" or "story by" or "associate" meet at The Hard Rock Cafe in Universal CityWalk, in the back underneath the Milli Vanilli gold record.

If you have shared a knowing glance at the craft services table with either Bruce Willis, Julia Roberts, or Jennifer Lopez and were NOT immediately fired, meet at Trader Vic's next to the red Polynesian mask.

(3) Then or soon thereafter, an LA MOB representative will appear in the bar and pass around further instructions. The instructions will specify the mob site, the start time, the duration, and directions featuring the route with the fewest left-hand turns. The instructions will give you what you need and then some. There will also be a takeaway gift bag (valued at $8,500) to thank you for your time and participation.

(4) In particular, the instructions will tell you when to disperse. Make sure that two minutes after the specified time, you are no longer at the mob site. If you are spotted there once the LA MOB scene has "cooled," you will never work in this town again and your past screen credits are subject to post-facto arbitration.

(5) Return to what you otherwise would have been doing, liberally quoting from the movie "Swingers" (e.g. "This place is fucking dead," "That was so money," etc) and await instructions for LA MOB #2.

NOTES: You may send your assistant or representation in your stead. But afterwards, you must talk about the LA MOB as if you were actually there. Use vivd, unverifiable details. Say you saw so-and-so there, even if you know that so-and-so is in Cannes for the weekend. Remember that people will be too polite to call bullshit on you to your face.

Future Los Angeles Mobs will form in the third dressing room from the back wall in Saks Fifth Avenue and on the 405 freeway between Sunset Blvd and LAX -- but don't tell anyone about them yet unless it will help you bed a desperate actress just looking to break into the biz.



About this site

This is the internet home of Mark Lisanti, a Los Angeles writer sometimes known as Bunsen. He is the founding editor of Defamer, a weblog about Hollywood, where he now serves in the nebulous capacity of "editor-at-large."
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